2013-2014 NBA Season Preview (30-25)
I’ve been waiting for the NBA season like Drake waits for an “I miss you” text from Courtney from Hooters on Peachtree. I realize that lede has a very small target audience, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take. Anyway, this NBA off-season involved some weird things. For example: Paul Pierce isn’t a Celtic anymore, Anthony Bennett got chosen first overall in the draft, Jason Kidd is a head coach, the Pistons look like a McDonald’s All American Team, and the Clippers have a real coach that is capable of both breathing and thinking simultaneously, which is a big upgrade.
This preview will rank all the teams in the NBA, from worst to first, but this is just the first installment. There will also be a Finals, and Finals Champion prediction. You can probably already guess who it involves. But, that’s OK because the great thing about this world is that it could end at any given second and everything could become instantly irrelevant…wait what?
30. The Philadelphia 76ers
Remember that test you didn’t study at all for in college? It was the one that you rolled out of bed around 11 am for and rushed to take at 11:30 even though you could’ve woken up early and studied for it, simply because you just didn’t give a ____. You were donating blood and semen to pay for tuition, but for some reason you still didn’t care. That’s the 76ers. Who cares if they have people actually willing to pay for tickets? They traded Jrue Holliday, but it’s OK because it got them Nerlens Noel and his knee that doesn’t work. Micheal Carter-Williams will now be their starting point guard, which is great for tanking. They’re even paying Jason Richardson’s corpse $5.3 million! But, unlike real life, the NBA can, potentially, reward you for sucking. There’s a chance that being terrible could earn them Andrew Wiggins. There’s also a chance that those ping pong balls could eternally ruin the city and give them the seventh overall pick. The Sixers will be the worst team in the NBA by far. But, at least Philly fans can rest assured that
Chip Kelly knows how to run an NFL team.
29. The Phoenix Suns
The Suns are not suns, they are white dwarves. They drafted Alex Len fifth overall. They acquired GERALD GREEN AND MILES PLUMLEE in the offseason. They no longer have Luis Scola. Michael Beasley and his water bong are gone. Kendall Marshall is Instragramming things. They do have Eric Bledsoe though, and even if his nickname is pocket LeBron, he can’t put the team on his back doh. I may have been wrong about the Sixers by far being the worst team, the Suns could definitely give them a run for their money. What more can I say? (HOV voice)
28. The Utah Jazz
Good news! The Jazz acquired Richard Jefferson! Oh, this isn’t 2007? That’s terrible news. They lost their two best players in Al Jefferson and Paul Millsap. They also acquired Andris Biedrins. Wow, this sounds awful. They drafted Trey Burke, who could be decent. To put it simply, the mailman ain’t walking through that door. The Jazz will be dismal and there’s no scenario on earth that involves that statement not being true.
27. The Charlotte Bobcats
You got Al Jefferon! For $41 million! He’s getting old! Michael Jordan is the worst owner ever! You also acquired JOSH McROBERTS. You drafted Cody Zeller, who has like a 14 percent chance of being good. Gerald Henderson is good I guess, so is Ben Gordon. Your coach shares his name with a more famous big red dog. I’m sorry.
26. The Orlando Magic
They could be decent. But, they probably won’t be. The Magic drafted Victor Oladipo, who will most likely be the best player to come out of that draft. However, reports are that they plan to play him at point guard, which directly translates to “we’re tanking.” Mo Harkless looked good, so did Nikola Vucevic and Tobias Harris. Jameer Nelson was good when he had Dwight, but not so much anymore. They did acquire Jason Maxiell, he’ll at least fight anyone who doesn’t try hard. Orlando will probably be in the running for another one of their trademark high draft picks.
25. The Sacramento Kings
The Kings have some really nice pieces, but they don’t mesh very well. Sac-Town is a great squad to play 2K with, but as far as competing in real life, the Kings will likely struggle. They made some nice moves in the off-season by picking up Carl Landry, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, and Greivis Vasquez. However, their most significant move was in ownership, the Kings finally dethroned the Maloofs and got a new owner in Vivek Ranadive, an Indian owner who seems to know what he’s doing. He even got Shaq to buy a piece of the Kings, and he doesn’t even like them. Tyreke Evans is gone, but they have a nice young core in Isaiah Thomas, Ben McLemore, and Demarcus “Boogie” Cousins. Give the new leadership some time and Sacramento might return to the competitive days of Bibby, Christie, Peja, and C-Webb.