NFL Mock Drafts are the Worst
Quick question, have you ever seen an NFL mock draft even come close to being 50% accurate? Maybe you have, but some people also think they saw a leprechaun in the tree. (That hyperlink contains possibly the greatest YouTube clip of all time)
I hate mostly everything about sports media. If you read my posts on here you know that, so I don’t want to beat a dead horse, but NFL mock drafts top my list of hated things about the industry…and it’s a big list. I do realize this is hypocritical because I am creating sports media while simultaneously bashing it, but hey, that’s life. I hate NFL mock drafts more than I hate SportsCenter putting famous people’s tweets on the bottomline and even more than I hate Colin Cowherd’s radio show. And just to be clear, I do understand that hate is a strong word.
I can’t even watch ESPN around this time of year because I am so discouraged by the fact that Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay have become so famous in our sports culture that you could literally mention the singular first names “Mel” or “Todd” on the street and a barely casual NFL fan would know exactly who you are referencing.
I mean, is it really possible to compose a relevant top 50 list of NFL offensive lineman prospects? Is that a necessary thing to do? Does it really mean anything? As Louis Stevens once said, “if a chicken had lips, could it whistle?”
The thing that I don’t think most people realize is that big websites make very good money off of us simply clicking on their links. They get paid by advertisers based on pageviews and that’s why Buzzfeed, The Huffington Post, Yahoo!, etc. just copy links and YouTube clips onto their own pages — because they know it will garner clicks. The same logic follows for ESPN when NFL Draft time rolls around. They know that us rabid, idiotic fans will click on their magic mock drafts because somehow we trust they know what they’re talking about even though history has proven that they really, really don’t.
ESPN does this on TV too, when you see “McShay: Will Chargers trade up for Mariota?” on the SportsCenter rundown, just know that if you wait to watch it you will not obtain any substantial information and you will have also wasted five minutes of your precious life.
Just to prove a point, I am going to compose a first round mock draft right now, and I guarantee that I come close to Kiper and McShay’s accuracy. The catch is that I will limit myself to using only five names of actual players in the draft. That’s right, I can only use five names of actual people. The rest of the people in my mock draft will either be fictional characters, broad generalizations, or they might not even be people at all. My broad generalizations can’t count as correct guesses, and I am still willing to bet that I have a similar proverbial batting average to the “pro” draft analysts.
THE PUP LIST’S 2015 NFL MOCK DRAFT USING ONLY FIVE ACTUAL PEOPLE
1. Tampa Bay – Jameis Winston, QB – FSU
2. Tennessee Titans – Marcus Mariota, QB – Oregon
3. Jacksonville Jaguars – Someone who will eventually wear the worst helmet ever created
4. Oakland Raiders – Amari Cooper , WR – Alabama
5. Washington Redskins – Someone who will have to pretend he knows about Native American history
6. New York Jets – Gerry Bertier, LB – T.C. Williams
8. Chicago Bears – Kevin White, WR – West Virginia (fourth real person used, only one left)
9. New York Giants – Someone who has a free first time Uber use available
10. St. Louis Rams – Not a homosexual defensive lineman
11. Minnesota Vikings – Someone with zero history of domestic violence
12. Cleveland Browns – DeVante Parker, WR – Louisville (Last real person)
13. New Orleans Saints – Someone that will never be as good as Jimmy Graham
14. Miami Dolphins – Whatever J Lo recommends
15. San Francisco 49ers – A linebacker who won’t retire soon
16. Houston Texans – Someone who will try the steroids that J.J. Watt is on
17. San Diego Chargers – A white person who looks bad in powder blue
18. Kansas City Chiefs – Someone who will eat BBQ for 40% of his meals
19. Cleveland Browns – Literally doesn’t matter
20. Philadelphia Eagles – Serena Williams
21. Cincinnati Bengals –Someone who will lose in the wildcard round
22. Pittsburgh Steelers – A future Hall of Famer
23. Detroit Lions – B. Rabbit (possibly Lotto given their history)
24. Arizona Cardinals – A durable quarterback
25. Carolina Panthers – Another white person who looks bad in powder blue
26. Baltimore Ravens – Someone with a 35% chance of getting arrested
27. Dallas Cowboys – A running back who will be the Offensive ROY
28. Denver Broncos – Someone who will be in a Papa John’s commercial
29. Indianapolis Colts – Someone Luck will have positive comments about
30. Green Bay Packers – Someone who can field an onside kick
31. New Orleans Saints – Someone who is willing to intentionally concuss another human for five grand
32. New England Patriots – A future Super Bowl MVP