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NFL Mock Drafts are the Worst

Isn't it just the worst?

Isn’t it just the worst?

Quick question, have you ever seen an NFL mock draft even come close to being 50% accurate? Maybe you have, but some people also think they saw a leprechaun in the tree. (That hyperlink contains possibly the greatest YouTube clip of all time)

I hate mostly everything about sports media. If you read my posts on here you know that, so I don’t want to beat a dead horse, but NFL mock drafts top my list of hated things about the industry…and it’s a big list. I do realize this is hypocritical because I am creating sports media while simultaneously bashing it, but hey, that’s life. I hate NFL mock drafts more than I hate SportsCenter putting famous people’s tweets on the bottomline and even more than I hate Colin Cowherd’s radio show. And just to be clear, I do understand that hate is a strong word.

I can’t even watch ESPN around this time of year because I am so discouraged by the fact that Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay have become so famous in our sports culture that you could literally mention the singular first names “Mel” or “Todd” on the street and a barely casual NFL fan would know exactly who you are referencing.

I mean, is it really possible to compose a relevant top 50 list of NFL offensive lineman prospects? Is that a necessary thing to do? Does it really mean anything? As Louis Stevens once said, “if a chicken had lips, could it whistle?”

The thing that I don’t think most people realize is that big websites make very good money off of us simply clicking on their links. They get paid by advertisers based on pageviews and that’s why Buzzfeed, The Huffington Post, Yahoo!, etc. just copy links and YouTube clips onto their own pages — because they know it will garner clicks. The same logic follows for ESPN when NFL Draft time rolls around. They know that us rabid, idiotic fans will click on their magic mock drafts because somehow we trust they know what they’re talking about even though history has proven that they really, really don’t.

ESPN does this on TV too, when you see “McShay: Will Chargers trade up for Mariota?” on the SportsCenter rundown, just know that if you wait to watch it you will not obtain any substantial information and you will have also wasted five minutes of your precious life.

Just to prove a point, I am going to compose a first round mock draft right now, and I guarantee that I come close to Kiper and McShay’s accuracy. The catch is that I will limit myself to using only five names of actual players in the draft. That’s right, I can only use five names of actual people. The rest of the people in my mock draft will either be fictional characters, broad generalizations, or they might not even be people at all. My broad generalizations can’t count as correct guesses, and I am still willing to bet that I have a similar proverbial batting average to the “pro” draft analysts.


1. Tampa Bay – Jameis Winston, QB – FSU

2. Tennessee Titans – Marcus Mariota, QB – Oregon

3. Jacksonville Jaguars – Someone who will eventually wear the worst helmet ever created

4. Oakland Raiders – Amari Cooper , WR – Alabama

5. Washington Redskins – Someone who will have to pretend he knows about Native American history

6. New York Jets – Gerry Bertier, LB – T.C. Williams

8. Chicago Bears – Kevin White, WR – West Virginia (fourth real person used, only one left)

9. New York Giants – Someone who has a free first time Uber use available

10. St. Louis Rams – Not a homosexual defensive lineman

11. Minnesota Vikings – Someone with zero history of domestic violence

12. Cleveland Browns – DeVante Parker, WR – Louisville (Last real person)

13. New Orleans Saints – Someone that will never be as good as Jimmy Graham

14. Miami Dolphins – Whatever J Lo recommends

15. San Francisco 49ers – A linebacker who won’t retire soon

16. Houston Texans – Someone who will try the steroids that J.J. Watt is on

17. San Diego Chargers – A white person who looks bad in powder blue

18. Kansas City Chiefs – Someone who will eat BBQ for 40% of his meals

19. Cleveland Browns – Literally doesn’t matter

20. Philadelphia Eagles – Serena Williams

21. Cincinnati Bengals –Someone who will lose in the wildcard round

22. Pittsburgh Steelers – A future Hall of Famer

23. Detroit Lions – B. Rabbit (possibly Lotto given their history)

24. Arizona Cardinals – A durable quarterback

25. Carolina Panthers – Another white person who looks bad in powder blue

26. Baltimore Ravens – Someone with a 35% chance of getting arrested

27. Dallas Cowboys – A running back who will be the Offensive ROY

28. Denver Broncos – Someone who will be in a Papa John’s commercial

29. Indianapolis Colts – Someone Luck will have positive comments about

30. Green Bay Packers – Someone who can field an onside kick

31. New Orleans Saints – Someone who is willing to intentionally concuss another human for five grand

32. New England Patriots –  A future Super Bowl MVP


1 Comment »

  1. PUP, long time reader, even bigger time fan. Love the list, pretty spot on, personally think linebacker Gerry Bertier could be taken even higher than 6. The guy had an endless motor and is an inspirational phenomenon.

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