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Why the Cincinnati Bengals are the Avery Family of the NFL

There is only one message for Vontaze Burfict, Pacman Jones and Jeremy Hill:

And I’m being serious, it really isn’t their fault. These type of things just happen to the Bengals. It’s simply impossible to deny at this point. It’s institutionalized losing. No matter what the Cincinnati Bengals do, they will lose the big one (to us, the big one is a wild card playoff game). I hate to blame “the man” for the Bengals failures, but I genuinely believe the Bengals must not only beat their opponent, but also beat the system to win a game. The crazy thing is the team’s owner, Mike Brown, is part of the very system the team has to beat in order to win.

And this is because Brown refuses to follow the honorable way of doing things. He doesn’t care that we buy the tickets, buy the winter hats and sign up for the Bengals themed credit cards. He laughs at us all the way to the bank for buying into his trick. He refuses to pay full price for talented players with discipline. Brown would much rather save some money and pay a risky player like Burfict or Pacman at a discount, and then pray they don’t decimate the franchise. Brown chose to keep Pacman and let Jonathan Joseph walk. Joseph, a former Bengal, hit the Texans cap for $11,625,000 this year. Pacman’s total hit on the Bengals cap was $2.5 mill. There’s a reason Pac is cheaper, and it’s not skill-related.

To put it into perspective, Mike Brown is the type of guy who keeps driving even though the check engine light came on 20,000 miles ago.

And I don’t want this to sound like I’m bashing Pacman or Burfict, they honestly were, and still are, two of my favorite players on the team. This will sound like an ignorant, hot take, but they play football the way it was intended to be played. They truly lay it all out on the line when they play, they actually care if they win. You don’t see these two trading jerseys and dapping people up after the game. They’re insanely competitive and we can’t change who they are. There’s a reason essentially all other teams in the league passed on them both. Brown knew exactly what he was getting when he signed them both, and he paid the price. It backfired when it mattered, but he still got home playoff game ticket money.

After watching the entirety of Making a Murderer during the week leading up to the game, I can wholeheartedly say that as a Bengals fan, I sympathize with Steven Avery. Obviously on a much smaller scale, I mean I’m not in prison for life, but my mind is. My brain is in prison because the Bengals keep losing. Roger Goodell, Mike Brown and the NFL as a corporation have my medulla oblongata in the palm of their hand and they’re Gronk-spiking it on to the asphalt. The Bengals are the Avery family of the NFL. We try, we really do, but we can’t shake it. The odds always seem to be stacked against us. We just get ourselves into trouble, there’s no avoiding it.

Allow me to explain…

The Bengals are Steven Avery

avery bengals

Do we deserve it? Do we really deserve all of this? At this point it just seems excessive. What are the chances of losing five straight playoff games? What were the chances of Steven Avery being wrongly imprisoned for two very serious crimes?

I’m in the camp that Avery didn’t do it. It just seems waaaay to coincidental that days before Manitowoc County was going to owe Steven over $30 mill, he gets arrested for murder. Either Steven Avery is the greatest actor of all time, or he’s innocent. Anyway, I think the Bengals have the Avery curse. The Universe hates us and all we’re doing is sitting here trying to make it through another day.

Roger Goodell is Ken Kratz 

kratz gooddell

Just a couple of scumbags. Obviously all of these comparisons are wildly exaggerated, but what we have here are two power-hungry, unqualified people in way over their heads. Each with questionable morals, each with a disturbing, robot-like lack of compassion. Kratz is definitely way worse but still, where does Roger get off suspending Burfict for three games? That play was made in the heat of the moment, and even though Vontaze has a history it’s not like the hit was drastically different than other hits we’ve seen this season. Also, HE LED WITH HIS SHOULDER! I understand the flag was warranted, but the suspension is insane. Avery curse.

Pacman Jones is Brendan Dassey

pac dassey.jpg

Can’t really fault either of these guys. They were just being themselves and the system mind-tricked them. I feel soooo bad for Brendan Dassey. He really screwed the case up for Steven, and Pac really muffed up that win for the Bengals. I don’t hate either of them though, sometimes life is cruel. Joey Porter came out and did the same thing to Pac that those two sleezy investigators did to Dassey, speaking of that…

Joey Porter is those two evil investigators 

porter pic.jpg

I don’t know if there are two people I’m more enraged at than Wiegart and Fassbender from Making a Murderer. The way they questioned Dassey was absolutely mind blowing. They knew they could mess with him and they succeeded, it’s despicable. Unfortunately Joey Porter did the same thing to Pacman last Saturday. Porter has his own bad reputation (remember when he assaulted Cincinnati’s own Levi Jones in Vegas a while back? Good times). It’s a joke he wasn’t penalized. What does he really even coach for the Steelers? I bet all he does is walk around practice talking sh*t and doing Bill Cowher impersonations. I already hated Joey but now he’s up there with Kimo and Yadier as far as Cincy’s hatred is concerned.

Nantz and Simms are the annoying reporter who has no sense of human decency

 

annoying nantz.jpg

Honestly, this woman is ruthless. Just straight up verbally attacking people, shoving a mic in their face during the worst time of their life. How is that legal? I would’ve bit that mic cover right off if she pulled that on me. I say we ban reporters from getting all up in someone’s grill after an emotional case. I also think we should ban Nantz and Simms from ever calling a football game again. The Steelers game did it in for me, Phil Simms has officially lost it. I’m pretty sure I heard him say “the tables have flipped” during the broadcast. And Nantz just sounds like an over-protective mom who doesn’t let her kids drink Capri Suns or try out the monkey bars. Nantz needs to take a permanent leave from football and strictly do golf. Nantz needs to go keep pretending that Peyton Manning hasn’t been a condescending, cheating sell-out for his entire career. Nantz needs to get back on Ancestry.com and do some more research on Jason Day’s family. Nantz needs to go to Wells Fargo and cash his fat checks from Papa John and keep pretending that it isn’t the worst pizza on the planet.

Vontaze Burfict is Steven’s Dad 

vontaze dad

If there were ever two people who are done giving a f***, it’s these two. Do you think Vontaze really even cares at this point? What’s done is done, he didn’t intend to mess everything up. I mean, he was the reason we were in a position to win the game in the first place. Steven’s dad has been through it all man, this is a dude who knows how to cope with stress. He knows his son is innocent and he’s somehow keeping it all together. Either way, these two don’t really care what you have to say at this point.

Jeremy Hill is Steven’s Mom

jeremy hill mom.jpg

Your heart just breaks for the both of them. You can tell they’re good people. They don’t deserve this. I can’t imagine the pain Steven’s mom deals with on a daily basis. Obviously Hill’s fumble is nowhere near as devastating as Avery’s wrongful imprisonment, but I will admit I almost cried. I had tears well up. I was in a Bengals bar in NYC for the game, and the place was absolutely rocking after ‘Taze picked off Landry. It felt SO good. When Hill fumbled, I knew it was over, I’ve seen that movie too many times. *I also got a nosebleed during the second quarter, I think it was stress induced.

Mike Brown is the Judge

judge and mike.jpg

No compassion. No understanding. Both bald. Both literally crushing dreams. Too easy. I want to fist fight both of these people. For some reason Mike Brown reminds me of the weird slug-alien thing from Monsters Inc. You know, the woman who always says “Wazoooowski…” This woman…

I feel like Brown deals with all his employees the way Roz deals with Mike.

Marvin Lewis is the cousin who testified

marvin cousin.jpg

Just wreaking havoc, losing control and causing confusion. I feel so bad for this girl, she obviously has no idea what is going on. Neither does Marvin. Marvin has to go. Brown already messed up by not firing him last year and promoting Mike Zimmer to head coach. Now, he’s gonna let Hue Jackson walk and we’re gonna go through this same song and dance again next year. If Brown wants to win back at least a part of the fans, he needs to fire Marvin and promote Hue. I mean, Lewis is the second longest tenured head coach behind Billy Sweatshirt and he HAS ZERO PLAYOFF WINS.

The refs are Manitowoc County in general

refs manitowoc.jpg

Just like the county has it out for the Averys, the league had it out for Cincinnati in that game. How the crowning call on Gio doesn’t get called is beyond me. Absolute travesty. How do they not penalize Joey Porter!?! We had no chance in that one, we had to beat the system and that’s just impossible sometimes.

Big Ben is the sketchy cop

bad cop big ben.jpg

This just felt right.

Obviously these comparisons are extremely sensational, but I legitimately feel like we’re forever behind the eight ball as Bengals fans. Until Mike Brown dies, we’re all screwed. Actually, no, we’re all screwed forever because it’s a family business.

This is who will be running the franchise someday, Brown’s daughter –

Sounds great, perfect. Makes sense. It’s so great to be a Bengals fan.

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1 Comment »

  1. Nobody wants to see Bengals v. NFC Champion. Paul Brown had two assistant coaches at the time of his retirement from coaching, Bill Walsh and Tiger Johnson. Guess which on the venerable Paul Brown picked to succeed him?

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