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Hey Look! The Annual Tradition of the Bengals Sucking at Free Agency is Back!!

free agency pic

UPDATE: I didn’t check anything before writing this and apparently we still have PacMan. I’m not even that pumped, that was like an extra nugget to throw in here. Still full of hate. 

Danica Patrick is relevant during every Super Bowl week. Jim Nantz whispers in Augusta every year around Easter. Rick Pitino “goes out to eat with friends” once a week. Taylor Swift wears bikinis from the 1950s every summer. And the Bengals suck at free agency every single March. Clockwork friends, clockwork.

For me, March Madness is actually watching Mike Brown and Katie Blackburn literally giving zero f*cks during free agency every year. I’m not even going to do any research for this post. It’s just a fact, when’s the last time the Cincinnati Bengals signed anyone younger than 33 with potential and a clean crime record as a free agent? It’s the classic Terrence Newman, T.O., James Harrison move. But this year is especially wonderful because not only are we not signing anyone new, we’re actually losing extremely important players at an alarming rate. I almost need to set up a Google Alert to keep up with the amount of great players we’re losing.

It started with the inevitable loss of Hue Jackson a few weeks ago…At the time I said that move would result in the Cleveland Browns being better than the Bengals in five years and I still stand by that. I actually think it could end up being sooner than that. Hue is a great OC and everyone loved him. I have no doubt he will be an unbelievable head coach. Why would we ever try to keep him? Oh, he didn’t want to continue as a coordinator? That’s weird. You mean he wanted to advance his career?  We would’ve had to fire Marvin and promote Hue to keep him? Outrageous…that seems…very fair? Warranted? Logical? Necessary? Is Bernie Sanders running the Bengals? Jeez, sometimes Mike Brown makes me want to directly inject Ohio River water into my bloodstream. My tombstone will read, “Here lies Alex, Marvin Lewis was the coach of his team for the majority of his formative years and they never won a playoff game but Mike Brown kept paying him.”

Now, Hue is gone and we just lost BOTH MARVIN JONES AND MO SANU. It’s not like our receiving corps was the second best asset of the team or anything. Mo Sanu and Marvin Jones were some of the few Bengals on the roster that didn’t catch the Brown Flu yet. They are still young, optimistic and full of life. Look at what happened to Carson, Chad, JoJo and Corey Dillon. Look at what’s happening to AJ Green. Mo and Jones are still clean and I’m actually kind of glad that they are getting out while they can. I guarantee that they go on to have great careers. In my mind, Sanu is the optimal second receiver. No one works harder, no one is smarter, no one is more reliable. Of all the Bengals shit that has ever happened to me, this one hurts the most. It just shows how little the Bengals truly respect what they have.

I’m so mad, but I’m not surprised at all. PacMan is gone too, and I know a lot of people enjoy that, but you have to admit he left it all out on the field and is one of the best punt returners alive. It’s just sad to see ownership legitimately refuse to capitalize on a time of high potential. The Bengals can’t afford to get worse, you have to spend money to get better and there’s no doubt in my mind the Bengals will be worse next year.

I hate to be so negative, and I know that feels like my shtick with the Bengals, but I’m being 100 percent honest. The Bengals absolutely blew it this offseason and just like the Reds, the Bengals be dwelling in the basement of our divisions for years to come. The ownership in this city is gross. I want to throw stink bombs all over PBS.

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