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Liquor Store Tales: The Old Lady Who Buys 2 Lighters Every Day

liquor store gunn

By: Ian Gunn

So, as Alex our fearless leader so graciously put in his introduction of me this morning on the site, my name is Ian Gunn. I am 22 years old, a semester late to graduate and employed at a local liquor store. This is the story of the old lady that comes in to the liquor store where I work, at exactly 5:07 PM, every day.

I’ve been working here since the new year and regulars are 85% of our customers, but this lady stuck out to me immediately. She would come in every single day I worked which in the beginning was only about 18 hours a week while I was still in school. It took me about a month to realize she came into the store AT THE EXACT same time every single day, 5:07 PM.

Now I’m not one to be judgmental* but this lady is about 1,000 years old and looks like she gets dropped off at the store in a hearse.  She smells of cats and broccoli and has never owned a hairbrush in her life (that’s not speculation, one time she legit told me she’s never owned a hairbrush or a comb in her entire billion year old life).  So in short this old lady is harboring 36 cats in her crypt and she looks just like ***GAME OF THRONES S6 SPOILER*** Melissandre when she took that damn magic necklace off Ep. 1 of season 6.

Now that’s not even the interesting thing, every single day she comes in she buys the exact same thing:

-A fifth of New Amsterdam 100 Proof Vodka

-3 bags of Planters unsalted cashews

-2 lighters

-A liter of Grapefruit juice

-An airplane bottle Johnnie Walker Red Label Scotch

At first I didn’t bat an eye, I was just a hungry, washed up college student-athlete tryna make some drinking money.  But then at about the end of March I start noticing this odd assortment of items. Like okay I get that the grapefruit juice is for the vodka as a little chaser, but TWO lighters? And she doesn’t purchase cigarettes, no cigars, no firecrackers, nothing.  So I’m left to my imagination thinking she eats the cashews for dinner every night with juice as the beverage, then goes out and makes Molotov cocktails with the lighters, the 100 proof vodka and the dirty rags she wears and finally unwinds after watching the world burn with a little Scotch on the rocks.

So, I ask her next time she comes in, and to no surprise to me at all this lady talks like the Asian girl in Pitch Perfect really, really quietly. She tells me that she drinks the grapefruit juice with her vodka (normal, I think), she feeds the Planters cashews to her squirrels, yes plural, squirrels (still not entirely surprised), then she pours the shooter of Scotch over her husbands grave (kinda romantic forreal, like that’s a ride or die, she loves her husband and her husband loved Scotch), and she used the lighters to “wave back and forth while she listens to her 70’s Rock Ballads Cassette Tape.” I can’t make that up…

As odd as that is, this is the weirdest part.. I only worked about 18 hours a week and she came in everyday I personally worked and after I noticed this happening I would always ask my boss about her when he works the night shift and if he ever noticed how weird it was and to my surprise he’s never even heard or seen this girl in his life! Which has me rattled still.

So as the summer hit I’m working 35 hours a week, almost every single day, so this lady is coming into the liquor store and downing a fifth of 100 proof vodka, a liter of grapefruit juice, pouring some scotch out for her homie and using up the butane in two lighters EVERY 24 HOURS!

Add all that together and the fact no one else that works here has ever seen her makes me believe that I’m actually making all of this up and am writing this column from a padded room after I rode a tricycle around in a circle for 6 hours.

Anyways that’s this weeks tale from the Liquor Store. Oh, and I’m glad to be here apart of The PUP List, can’t wait to give you some sports takes and some good graphic design work, LETS DO IT!

* I’m an extremely judgmental person

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