How to Make Draymond Green Likeable
By Nick Boeing
Here at The PUP List we are staunch in our love and hate for certain athletes, celebrities, bands called Nickelback, etc. But, in my heart, of all athletes I’ve ever hated, Draymond Green takes the cake. There’s nothing wrong with being a bit brash, but Draymond is a straight up asshole for being the third best guy on a team that allows him to look great. And I’m extremely upset that his rating on 2K has jumped to a 90. That’s bullshit. A guy that’s a 90 should be fun to play with and drop 60, not go out and get 14, 10 and 8. No one plays that fundamentally, no one. Luckily, I’ve got some suggestions for Draymond that I believe will instantly make him more likable.
1) Retire right now
Retiring right now would open some doors for Draymond. He’d probably get fat again and pretty much any fat guy is likable. No one batted an eye at him when he was fat. Was he obese? No, but he was certainly chunky. This is the face of a man pulling weight for the first time in his life.
And being sooooooo tired from raising his arms up for a three.
And this is someone you’re not sure you can make fun because he might have something wrong with him.
Draymond; retire, get fat and go try and make waves in the PBA. If there are two things that go together, it’s fat guys and being oddly good at bowling. You can be as brash as you want as a bowler because then it’s just funny and you look like a dork. Ultimately, you will fail at this because bowling takes more finesse than you can offer, but you’ll become the loveable loser known as ‘Gutterball Green’ and they’ll make a movie about your life. “Gutterball Green: Life in Lane 23.”
2) Invent a time machine
This could do a couple things. Obviously, you’d be revered in the science and unwanted pregnancies worlds. More importantly, you could go back in time and stop yourself from ever playing basketball. Tell yourself to stay in school and focus on school and school only. Or accidentally knock some cheerleader up in high school so it completely derails your basketball dreams. Wow, I don’t like this guy. Stop the Warriors from drafting you due to the water crisis in Cali, or the ever-present threat of an earthquake. Lastly, you could stop your parents from having you because you’ve got five siblings and that’s plenty.
3) Go to a shit team
My least favorite idea because it’s realistic and it means you’re still playing basketball, but go to a team like the 76ers or Lakers or Nets and try to be their “superstar.” When you do this, you’ll be outed as a system guy that was surrounded by two of the best shooters of all-time and your 2K rating should drop back down to like 79 or 80. Like bowling, you’ll fail, but instead of becoming the fat, loveable loser, you’ll develop into a habitual sack-kicker and Steven ‘Stache’ Adams will finally have enough and will play the Tonya Harding to your Nancy Kerrigan. He’ll do it New Zealand style, rugby tackling your ass, do this
and teabag you.