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Report: HGH Allowed Peyton to Asexually Give Birth to Both Eli, “Spieth”

By: prettygir1swag
New York, NY
9:46 p.m.

Today, father and son hit the links together. Jordan “Spieth” allowed his biological father to piggyback along during the Pro-Am of the Nationwide Invitational at the Memorial Tournament held at Muirfield Village Golf Club in Dublin, Ohio.Before you write off Peyton as Spieth’s father, hear me out. First and fore(head) most…

Subject A: Matching Foreheads
Spieth has even tweeted about these things.
spieth tweet
Looks like son is gonna get a beer with his long lost dad after their round today.
Subject B: A profile shot of these fellows. (Speaks for itself)
peyton n spiethy
Subject C: Spieth and Eli’s Faces…That’s Right Peyton Also Fathered Eli
eli pup mem


Are you gonna tell me Eli and Spieth don’t have the same reactions? It’s far too identical for them not to be brothers. By now you’re saying, “But Eli and Peyton are brothers, asshole.” False.

You’re gonna try to tell me Eli and Peyton are only 5 years apart in age? More like 35. The only reasonable explanation for both Peyton and Eli to have been playing in NFL at the same time is simple: HGH. That’s right, HGH allowed Peyton to father his own supposed “brother.” They’re probably the best father/son sports duo to have have been playing simultaneously since Ken Griffey Sr./Jr. back in 1990. If you combine all three of them, they’re the greatest sports family trio of all time. And this isn’t even the the most absurd part of the report.

Reports are that not only did the HGH allow Peyton to father both Eli and Jordan, the HGH allowed him to give birth to them both asexually. We’re eager to see how Darren Rovell covers it.

Either way, this is the best pro/am pairing since Bob Barker and Happy Gilmore.

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