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The Top 10 Hottest Male Athletes…From a Straight Guy’s Perspective

question mark face

Who will be number one?

By: José Rain

Ok, so let me paint a picture of my current scene.  Right now, I am in my room. Alone. Sitting in my bed, I’m wearing only briefs and my flag football championship t shirt. I’m Google searching images of some of the hottest athletes in the world…male athletes, that is. Then my wife walks in.  She gets it.  She knows who I am. She knows that I know a good looking man when I see one.  Shit, I am one.  I’m not gay, not even close.  I love titties. However, I do think dicks are pretty funny, but that’s another conversation for another time.

I am extremely confident, that’s why this list is being written.  A good looking man is a good looking man.  It takes balls to admit it. On the contrary, if you are a dude and you don’t think Brad Pitt is a good looking man, you are lying to yourself, and you are a huge pussy. Watch Troy.

It takes a real man to know a handsome fella when he sees one.  That’s why gay guys have it going on.  They don’t give a shit. Confidence through the roof, and I respect that.  That’s a real man. Then you have the complete opposite: the guy who thinks he is the alpha male.  He usually is seen wearing an Affliction shirt, a weight lifting belt while doing curls at the gym, fingerless gloves, or all of the above.  This guy is often overheard making homophobic slurs, and for some reason he freaks the fuck out every time someone even mentions a penis.  That guy is trying to fit in, and has zero confidence.  That guy was made fun of in high school.

Now that I have defended my straightness, which I shouldn’t have to do, let’s get started.  The criteria for this list is as follows:

  1. The athlete must currently be competing
  2. The list will consist of two athletes from baseball, two athletes from football, two from basketball and then four wild cards.
  3. Lastly, the athlete cannot play in Cleveland.


10 – Dansby Swanson, SS, Atlanta Braves

dansby swanson.jpg

My man has hair like Zack Morris and Mathew McConaughey combined. He’s currently down in Triple A, that’s ok though.  He cleans up.  I guarantee you that.


9 – Derrick Rose, PG, Chicago Bulls

derrick rose.jpg

The man has swagger.  He definitely sucks, but that still doesn’t change the fact that his eyes could make a girl think she needs a diaper.

8 – Victor Cruz, WR, New York Giants


Victor can dance, he is jacked, and hung like a horse.  Don’t believe me.  Check this out: The Hammer

7 – Cristiano Ronaldo, Forward, Real Madrid


It’s really not fair.  The man has it all, and has girls from every country in the world waiting in line to play with his soccer balls.  Not to mention he could probably buy a golden vibrator for each one of them in line.

6 – Henrik Lundqvist, Goaltender, New York Rangers


Showed my wife this one.  The man looks like he should be on Grey’s Anatomy she said.  I couldn’t have agreed more.

5 – Jimmy Johnson, Nascar Driver


Jimmy best be wearing a jimmy.  Probably top 5 drivers of all time, and could get any chick he wanted.  He settled for a supermodel.  That’ll do Jim.


4 – Bryce Harper, RF, Washington Nationals


Kid is a huge tool.  However, he’s built like Arnold and has sweet hair.  Good for you Bryce… Personality isn’t everything, I am sure you’ll find the one.


3 – Chandler Parsons, SF, Dallas Mavericks


Mediocre basketball player, but phenomenal style.  The dude is a model when he’s not playing hoops.  Google image him, chicks want his HPV.


2 – Tom Brady, QB, New England Patriots

tom brady.jpg

Look at his life.  Look at his face.  Look at his wife.  Shall I say more?

1 – Adam Scott, Professional Golfer

adam scott.jpg

Adam looks and sounds like royalty.  He may be the hottest man in the world.  Great golf swing, but perfect jaw line.

1 Comment »

  1. A+++++++++++++++

    Honorable Mention Baseball Guys:
    Joey Votto – the fact that his sexuality is somewhat of a mystersy intrigues me
    Andre Ethier – never been much of a brown eye fan until I saw his. wait.. which brown eye do I mean? ***see link below***
    Robinson Cano – mocha skin. that is all.
    Jake Arrieta – there’s just something about a healthy thick beard and no undershirt that does something for me

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