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Oh, The Stanley Cup Finals Were Also Happening? LOL, I Forgot

By: Holly Schnicke

Pre-Game

I know negative amount of things about hockey.

Jk, I know at few things: there are three periods, a bunch of lines that are important and you are actually aloud to fight each other.

This is also a v big deal, because everyone wants to eat cereal out of the Stanley cup, duh.

I’m obviously cheering for the Sharks because I will cheer against Pittsburgh ALWAYS.

And also, an old man bought me all my drinks at a bar because I did a quick cheer for the Sharks. Which I honestly think was a turning point for them in Game 3 and also the whole series. S’go Sharks.

Apparently Pittsburgh is the favorite, but San Jose is a fierce underdog. And who doesn’t want to cheer for the underdog?

Who da fuq are are these old dudes?

Hockey goalies are V scary.

jason mask.jpg

Do you think anyone will knuckle puck it?

These lights (paired with my hangover) are going to give me a seizure

What a lackluster entrance, Penguins. I kinda feel bad. Why don’t they get to skate out of a penguin?

The literal ONLY person that I know on the ice is Sidney Crosby, because hello:

syd the kid.png

I never want anyone other than the Cleveland fans to sing the national anthem EVER.

I tried to get up to speed on important players and then I just stopped caring. So here you go.

The beards make me feel some kinda way. Mainly positive feelings, I think.

First Period

THE PENGIUNS GOALIE (Martin Jones) IS 22. Whhhhhhattttttt.

I’d like to know how they make the ice like that.

The refs do not get enough credit for being able to skate, officiate and not get destroyed.

I’m concerned that Joe Thornton is going to break.

joe thornton.png

Do you think they have plays or do they just hit it and hope it goes somewhere?

Two minutes in and I am already very confused.

Can I get a montage of people falling when they hop on and off the ice?

How do you think you prepare to be a hocky announcer? Can anyone follow what they are saying?

“Surrounded by sharks” sounds infinitely more terrifying than being surrounded by penguins. How do I live that life?

penguins.jpg

Everything about hockey (re: burly men with beards who punch each other) indicates that I should love it. But between football (#1 bae for ever) and basketball, I do not have any more space in my brain for more sports.

How does Canada feel about us stealing all their athletes? How do they only have 7 teams in the NHL?

How often to sticks break? Is that a thing?

I feel like they ABSOLUTELY need more facial protection

OH power plays are FUN.

Ah shit. Poor little babe.

Has anyone every been sliced by a skate……..

Yup. And DO NOT GOOGLE IT.

Number 42 really blew it with that break away.

I wanna play the position in which you score but you also get to hit people.

The only reason I know something important is happening is because the announcers get SO hyped.

This is the longest period EV-ER.

I’ve been waiting TWENTY MINUTES for this fight. (side note: I don’t advocate fighting except for the sports in which it is imperative).

What do they call the time in between periods?

*Answer: Intermission

Speaking of, the Tony’s are tonight. Hamilton is OBVIOUSLY going to sweep it. Are there even any other musicals this year?

*Spends the next 18 LONG minutes watching YouTube videos of Hamilton*

Mini 30 for 30 on Mr Hockey, yes please. #rip (in peace).

(they didn’t wear helmets back then…..)

no helmet.JPG

Second Period

I’m bored. But COMMITTED

If the Penguins win, is it over? (Yes)

In case you also don’t know what those circles are – they are called “faceoff dots” and I thiiiiiiiink they do hockey’s equivalent of jump balls there.

LITERALLY CALLED THAT GOAL. I am officially a hockey goddess.

holly pic.jpg

Also, turns out when you screenshot a snapchat chat, they let the other people know. Oops.

SHIT IS GETTING REAL NOW.

*immediately bored again*

emma watson.jpg

I think we should try the flying v

How heavy do we think the Stanley cup is?

*Answer 15.5 kilograms and for Americans: 34.17 pounds

Also, you MUST know all 22 of these v important Stanley Cup facts.

How do you get to be the keeper of the cup?

Can you tell I’m bored?

I really want this to go to 7 because no matter how confused I am about hockey, it’s still better than baseball.

Third Period

My sister literally HA-ATES that I have some how been allowed to comment on sports.

Okay, I am READY to pay FULL attention. Aka please let this be the fastest 20 minuts of my life

Honestly how sad would it be if you were phsycally unable to grow a playoff beard?

syd beard.jpg

Just ask Sid…

I wouldn’t say I HATE Pittsburgh, but like, I really want/need the sharks to win. Still NOT over the Bengals vs. Steelers playoff situation.

puck.png

Also, shut up and let me still be mad about this.

VERY IMPORTANT POWER PLAY SITUATION, YOU GUYS (literally the ONLY thing I know for sure about hockey is that this is important)

JAWS NOISE IS ALSO SO IMPORTANT.

PUHLEASE let this happen. I need this to keep me awake

Kk you def blew that. (sharks did NOT score on the pp)

  1. THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE NEED TO HAPPEN (re: penguin’s pp, which is probablly going to destroy the sharks.)

(author’s note: my day drinking hangover is kicking in and I am feeling emotional about this game)

If I was in charge (THANK GOD I AM NOT) I would definitely do a trick play during a power play.

WHY ARE THE ALREADY GETTING THE CUP OUT!?!

Everyone needs to relax and take a deep breath.

Good job Martin!!! When I was your age, I was learning how to drink something other than a Blackout or Crystal Ball.

What is an “icing” call? Oh we call that a foul in pretty much every other sport.

This feels like the MOST appropriate time for the flying v. lets just try it???

WHERE IS THE GOALIE GOING?!?!?!?

EW I QUIT. I HATED THAT.

Can we agree to NEVER pull the goalie ever?

Okay, I’m done with hockey forever.

In summary: hockey is fine. Only 87 days until football season.

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