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Soccer Guy Round Up: Copa America and FC Cincy Updates

By: Nick Boeing

Lots of national and local soccer stuff to catch up on, so let’s get straight to it.

The Copa America is going on right now in case you didn’t know or were stuck under your 1940’s rock, and the United States men’s team finally gotta convincing win. By that I mean they beat Costa Rica, a team that really isn’t even that good, IMH(and irrational)O, even though they’re ranked 23rd in the world and the US is 31st (how fucking embarrassing). Sure, 4-0 looks great, but when you’re undefeated in World Wars, you gotta have higher expectations than beating up on a country that doesn’t have a military. They also beat Paraguay (44th) 1-0, which is boring as hell, but a win’s a win and they needed it after a 2-0 loss to 3rd ranked Colombia.

So…we’re moving on, baby!! Granted, this is pretty much a third-tier tournament compared to the World Cup or Euros, but this is a team that needs confidence in a bad way. The good news is that, miraculously, Brazil got knocked out in the group stage. The bad news is that probably won’t matter because if the US makes it past Ecuador (13th) in the first round, there’s a 99.92% chance they play #1 in the entire universe Argentina in the second round. Like, Lionel Messi’s Argentina; the Lionel Messi who came off the bench against Panama, messed around and got a hat-trick. Soccer in the States could get a huge bump in popularity with a win over Argentina and an appearance in the Copa finals. Craft beer joints would be burning to the ground in celebration.


Messi…so hot right now. Messi. 

But who are we kidding? Soccer can get too dull sometimes for the casual, sugar-fueled, die-hard American. The United States was practically founded on adrenaline…and genocide, but we like to overlook that because sometimes ya gotta take a few steps back to get going forward.

Maybe I’m being too pessimistic, though. Maybe with all of this concussion stuff coming out for football, soccer is gonna be on the rise. Which is hilarious that that’s why people want their kids to play soccer because soccer is right up there behind football and hockey; two of the most brutal sports out there and soccer is coming in hot on their heels. You ever been hit in the head by a well-struck soccer ball? Shit will have your entire head ringing and boogers you didn’t know you had will fly out at 100 mph.

Speaking of that (kinda), here’s the short story of how, back in third grade, I’m 99% sure I suffered my first concussion: We were out at recess, playing some sort of game that involved a soccer ball that wasn’t soccer. Just kicking a ball against the wall for no reason that only nine-year-olds would find fun. Me and my fast-growing body were full of athletic potential so I went for a big kick. Completely and totally missed the ball and my foot swung perfectly back down on top of it and I slipped backward off the ball, mashing the back of my head on the concrete. Didn’t cry, though, NBD.

Alright, on to FC Cincinnati.

Kinda hard to follow up national team news with AA soccer news, but we’re very proud of our boys in orange and blue here, so we push on.

Unfortunately, I’ve had to miss the past two home games due to Bunbury and then being dragged to another concert the following weekend by my fiancee. She bought the tickets and I’m the one who proposed, so this is the life I’ve chosen; reaping what I sow.

In the time I was unable to be a true fan, FCC remained unbeaten in its past eight USL games, drawing with the Richmond Kickers (yet another dumb team name) 1-1, and beating FC Montreal 2-1. The team was also knocked out of the US Open Cup by the Tampa Bay Rowdies (more of a name I can get behind), losing 1-0. It should be noted that the Rowdies play in the league above FCC and, yet, FCC outshot the opposition 14-7 and had more double the amount of corner kicks (8-4).

Per usual, Sean Okoli has been scoring goals and getting chicks. He’s currently 4th or 5th in the league with seven goals. Our boy, Mafia Mitch, has clearly been doing what he does best and stopping the opposition from scoring, or at least from winning games. Whenever he does give up a goal, I can’t help but blame everyone but him. He’s too good for that. Also, I’ve reached out to Mitch twice now to see how he feels about his new nickname, but have yet to receive word.


Don’t let the dead eyes fool you, Mitch is thrilled to be here

Don’t wanna go to a game featuring a team name with II in it? Then try your best and get tickets to the friendly match on July 16. Crystal Palace FC of the English Premier League is flying in from London to receive a good, old-fashioned, American beatdown. I’d say this is the closest we’ll ever get to FDR and Winston Churchill getting in a fistfight. A donnybrook for the ages.


Friend or foe?


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