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Don’t Give Up on Bill Simmons’ New HBO Show, But Definitely Give Up on The Ringer

bill simmons

By: Alex Marcheschi

I am a Bill Simmons fan boy. I’ve read his stuff and listened to his podcasts since I was in high school. Lately though, I’m starting to realize how Michael Jordan fans felt when MJ came back and played for the Wizards. It’s cool to see him still out there making waves, but it’s not the same. Ever since he left ESPN he feels more like my crazy uncle than my boi.

Last night, his new HBO show “Any Given Wednesday” premiered on HBO. I actually thought it was really good until Ben Affleck came on and acted like a jackass (video above). It was such a forced attempt at going viral, and Bill whiffed with a few of his comments during the rant. I know it’s very unfair to judge someone’s first show, but it’s not like Bill is fresh off the boat. He’s one of the most respected voices in sports media, getting roasted comes with the territory. I’ll watch his show again, I think it could still be very good, but one thing I won’t do is follow his new website “The Ringer” on Twitter, because that shit SUCKS. It’s a bunch of 30-year-olds trying to act 19. Lemme hit you with a slew of “garbage-ass,” as Trustworthy Guy would say, tweets from The Ringer.

The tweet above let me know that if The Ringer ever even had a fastball, it lost it almost right away. You simply CAN’T use the term “busting on himself,” nobody has ever said that and it’s like putting a watermelon on a tee-ball tee and giving the internet a sledgehammer. “Busting on himself”….really!?! #pause

RHCP is in rarefied air, if you’re gonna come at them, you best land 100% of your hay-makers and this shit didn’t. “Mountain Dew enema” is the most trash phrase ever, nothing worse than a “hip” writer trying to hit you with a high-brow joke. Telling RHCP they need to take a nap is like telling Mike Tomlin to take off his aviators, you better have a really good reason for opening your mouth and you better be willing to die if he doesn’t take it well. I wouldn’t doubt if Anthony Kiedis hires some weird jiu jitsu assassin to murder this writer. Also, I’m biased because I love Dew and RHCP, that was a shot to my heart. Oh yeah, and that artwork is POOP. #RIPINPEACE Ringer.

I’m honestly pretty pissed at my boi Bill for dedicating a huge portion of his site to “tech” news, specifically Apple news. Such a mid-life crisis move by Simmons. There is NOTHING worse than a tech writer who thinks their brain is operating anywhere near Steve Jobs’ level. I have a hard time acting like I know a lot about sports, I can’t imagine someone pretending to know about tech. The Ringer is basically like a virtual NYC coffee shop where there’s not enough room to sit down and everyone has the cuffs of their jeans rolled up to show off their ankles.

That’s an abomination of a meme. If we tweeted this, it would get 0 favs and RTs. The only reason this did any numbers is because of the name behind it.

I could paste like a trillion more tweets in here, but here’s the point: The Ringer is everything that’s wrong with society nowadays. It’s a bunch of adults trying to act like teenage social media wizards. Creating memes and shit like that is legitimately nerve-racking, I hate to shit on them for it, but they deserve it. I’m a HUGE believer in the idea that having a platform makes you vulnerable to hate and criticism, it just comes with the territory. The Ringer is for insecure #millenials who are scared to admit they don’t know what’s funny. (Except for my boy netw3rk).

I wanted to like The Ringer, but I can’t. I’m so tired of websites trying so hard to sound smart. I genuinely believe most writers for the Ringer like making themselves seem intelligent more than they like actually writing. The #takes don’t seem honest. They’re not hot, they’re not cold, they’re lukewarm and that’s the worst thing you can be. Some famous guy said that one time and I liked it (h/t Jesus).

p.s. shoutout to this guy from waaay back in 2014. I’d bet money Simmons was stoned last night, his eyes were extra red and glossy. I wanted to take a pic, but I was too lazy. I mean, he is a HUGE LA guy now. #MedicalMarijuana #ConspiracyBill

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