Trustworthy Guy to Cincinnatians: “You’re an Idiot if You Root for the Cavs.”
By: Trustworthy Guy
So I’m laying here on my couch, trying to unwind from a long couple of days at work, and there’s one thing on my mind that I can’t seem to shake: Cleveland has a fucking world championship now…Fucking Cleveland. Drew Carey should be the best thing that ever happened to that God-forsaken city, and now they have an NBA title to drool over, seemingly for the next million years.
And trust me, they will drool over it until the end of time. Rule number one folks: you don’t give fireworks (championships) to a child (Cleveland)…They aren’t responsible enough to handle it.
So, as Cincinnatians, how are we to deal with this devastating news? We have a few options:
1 – We all pretend that we have been “huge Cavs fans” forever. That’s a steaming pile of shit that anyone can smell from a mile away, but sure, go with it.
2 – Two, we can try to associate ourselves with the Cavs because we are Ohioans as well, but that’s ignorant as fuck, IMO. We have Bearcat basketball, that’s it, get over it (some pansies may include XU). If anything, we should be Pacer fans (geographically, this makes way more sense). Ultimately, with this option you genuinely don’t give a shit, you are just trying so hard to care…it’s pointless.
3 – Lastly, and most realistically, we should absolutely hate Cleveland more now than ever before. Think about it folks, Cleveland has produced zero good things ever. They are our easily our most despised adversary, I’ve never seen an Indians game in 24 years on this earth outside of Field of Dreams, and the Cavs colors are Maroon and Mustard Yellow. RG3 is the Browns’ QB now. At the end of the day, mother fuck Cleveland. Mother fuck them hard.
My advice is simple. Unless you were a Cavs fan before LeBron rolled through the first time (we’re going back to our pre-teen years here people, #staywoke) you are not allowed to be a fan now, and you can go fuck yourself.
And remember, I’m a trustworthy guy.
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