The Dehumanization of Gingers: How TV Wreaks Havoc on the Lives of Redheads
By: Alex Marcheschi
First off, I can say the “G” word because I am one. If you’re not one, out of respect for my people, keep the “G” word off your lips. Now that I’ve set the table, we can feast.
On November 9, 2005 the popular TV cartoon show South Park debuted an episode entitled “Ginger Kids.” After this date in history, life for redheaded people would never be the same. The cartoon portrayed “G” words in an extremely negative light, claiming that “G” words have a disease called “gingervitis” that causes them to have no souls. Here is the most important clip from said episode, filmed in extremely annoying fashion by YouTube user “TheMail518.”
After society was injected with this discriminatory poison, daily life for redheads became a lethal obstacle course. On November 10, 2005 the highways were flooded with fair, freckled children sprinting to the nearest mall to purchase the hottest one-size-fits-all cap at Lids to hide their God-given manes. The only problem is, redheads rarely look good in hats. It’s a classic catch-22.
The South Park episode took the already dwindling self-esteem of the “G” word race and flushed it down the proverbial toilet. This was pre-social media, but the oppressed still found a way to let their voices be heard. Thank God for YouTube.
I have often found myself voluntarily locked in a pitch-black bedroom with this video on repeat, as I’m sure many other “G” words have. Hey society, as my friend above said, “you’re not God, you don’t know who has a soul and who doesn’t.” Wise words from a community leader.
I graduated grade school in 2006, so I was spared a lot of the vitriol that is typically displayed by middle schoolers. Unfortunately, many of my younger people felt the wrath in ways that will haunt them until they are six feet under ground. The hate died down around 2010, but it is back in full swing now. A hatred and disgust for “G” words has become so deeply ingrained in society that advertising agencies are able to be blatantly racist to “G” words with virtually no consequences.
Please pay close attention to the commercials featured below, we need to always remember to #staywoke when it comes to equality and these TV commercials aren’t helping one bit.
Culprit #1 – Skittles
Live look into the Skittles writer’s room:
Boss: “OK guys, the concept is established, we have a really weird looking kid with contagious Skittles growing all over his skin, he’s probably never touched a girl in his life….who do we cast?”
Intern #1: “How about a *censored* “G” word?”
Boss: “Perfect. What’s your name again? Actually, fuck it, I don’t care.”
Culprit #2 – Mazda
Another live look into the writer’s room:
Boss: “OK guys, we need to cast someone who takes two tries to get his license, crashes into the garage and just fucks up a lot in general. The best he can do is go to a state school and keep buying our shitty-ass Mazdas for the rest of his life…thoughts?”
Disgruntled employee of four years who has yet to see a promotion: “How about a *censored* “G” word?”
Boss: “That’s perfect. See me about a raise.”
Disgruntled employee: “Awesome! Also, let’s make sure he marries another *censored* “G” word and has a *censored* “G” word kid, because let’s be honest, nobody but a *censored* “G” word wants to marry a *censored* “G” word. Don’t wanna contaminate the gene pool.”
Rest of the room: *violent laughter*
Culprit #3 – Sling TV
This one is the worst yet. There are multiple “G” word youths being dehumanized in this commercial. I’ll spare you another live look into the writer’s room, but this one hurts. It’s fucked up enough to make kids fake work in that type of corporate environment, but to have three of them be “G” words? That’s too much.
According to the ELIAS Sports Bureau, “G” words have been so oppressed that 90% of adult “G” words surveyed admitted that they would “basically do anything for money at this point, even if it means whoring out “G” word children to advertising agencies in order to put bread on the table.” As one surveyed “G” word put it, “I don’t care if they’re blatantly making fun of both my race and my first born, Obamacare has denied me healthcare because of my hair color and I need my meds.”
I can understand that, we all have to eat. But for God’s sake, don’t let your child get trolled on a national stage for a paycheck. Those kids will be in that commercial for eternity. Thanks to YouTube, it will never, ever go away until life itself ceases to exist.
Culprit #4 – Nike
This is a sneaky offensive one. This “G” word female has arguably attained peak attractiveness in the “G” word realm. She seems to have a stable job because she can afford expensive Nike apparel that is made by the hardest working Asian children on the planet, she’s cute and she’s capable of running a long distance without becoming fatigued. A giant leap for “G” words, right? WRONG.
Nike made her date a sloppy-ass dude who wears dad shoes and can’t even run without going to the hospital. And on top of that, they make her run all the way to the hospital just to have intercourse in a public place with her lazy, unhealthy boyfriend. Nike made this chick settle big time, #staywoke.
Culprit #5 – Bullying.org
This one takes the cake. This is raw, hardcore evidence that “G” words are the most oppressed white people on the planet. This is an anti-bullying ad, but what most advertising agencies don’t realize is that these types of commercials don’t help, they just introduce concepts to people who may not have even considered thinking that way otherwise. It’s like hypnotization, now people who watch TV will see a “G” word getting bullied and begin to subconciously hate them. It’s also like the DARE program, a lot of kids wouldn’t even know what drugs are if the program didn’t exist. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Daryl Gates.
The protagonist of this commercial is a poor little “G” word kid just trying to ride his bike home to the only safe space he knows, his mother’s arms. The bully comes in hot with “hey guys look, it’s little red riding hood, aw her hair’s on fire.”
WOAH. Now having red hair is associated with a loss of masculinity!?! Unbelievable. The worst part is the older kids sitting on the bench don’t even do anything to help. The poor young “G” word just has to power through the bullshit and dial in mentally to keep living. What a great anti-bullying commercial. Actually wait, the worst part is that bullying.org couldn’t even find a real “G” word to sit at the cool kids table:
Ladies and gentleman, that is 100% a non-“G” word actor that they paid to dye his hair. Bullying.org lives in Hypocrite City, USA.
Friends, if I can ask one thing of you, it would be to please, PLEASE #staywoke when it comes to “G” word discrimination. How many “G” word Picassos, Michael Jordans, Seinfelds, Virginia Woolfs and Laila Alis have we lost because of an extreme lack of self-confidence? Probably too many to count.
I’m begging the socially-concious to please keep a red boxing glove on you at all times, and when you see a “G” word on the street, simply put the glove on and raise it in the air as a sign of solidarity and inclusion. If you think about it, it’s really the least you can do.