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For True Duke Haters, It’s Hard to Root for Team USA

coach k

By: Alex Marcheschi

As many of you who read the blog know, I’m a bigger NBA fan than most people from Cincinnati. My brothers and I grew up playing NBA video games from dusk ’til dawn and I worshiped the likes of Allen Iverson, Paul Pierce, T-Mac, Yao and Vince Carter as a child. I fiend for basketball, so when Team USA gets to work every four years, I watch every game.

My favorite memory, oddly enough, is LeBron dancing after they won gold in 2012.

But, as they say, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. I wish I could just watch most of our best players have fun together, but no, Mike Krzyzewski just had to be the coach. I may love the NBA, but I definitely hate Coach K just as much as I adore the Association.

This is a hot, borderline anti-patriotic take, but I fully believe it – Coach K wanted to be the Team USA coach just so he could feel like he would succeed on the NBA level as well. Deep down he knows he’d have no chance in the NBA. It’s a huge cop-out. He’s one of the best college coaches of all-time, but his disciplinarian style of coaching simply wouldn’t work in the NBA, we already saw it backfire a little bit this year. Watch the videos below.

Coach K is a genius, he found the easiest way to coach NBA players ever. Just put most of the best guys on a team and beat the shit out of Angola. Let’s be honest, I could coach Team USA to a gold medal. I’m completely serious. Literally anyone could. Now he can add NBA coach and gold medalist to his resume. Life Hack 101. Just gotta keep the boys in line to make it seem like you’re actually doing something. Does he have Napoleon Complex…or even worse…Adolf complex?

coach k hitler

Breaking news Coach, nobody wants to see you be the mayor of Buzz Kill City, USA. Everyone on that bench has more money in their bank account than you do, ever considered that, Mike? Maybe you can’t talk to them like that, these aren’t unpaid “student athletes.” That’s not John Scheyer, Mike, that’s Kevin Durant. Maybe don’t tell him what he can and can’t do. Have you ever seen anyone else get so rattled they pass out and assume the fetal position?

k pass


In summation, Coach K is your uncle who thinks he can scold you. I love the USA and I love basketball, but with Coach K at the helm of my country’s team, it’s more like a Fool’s Gold Medal in my book.

funny fool

p.s. Coach K’s ancestors are dicks for choosing to spell their last name the way they do…”Krzyzewski”…gimme a break

1 Comment »

  1. Ohhhhh Boy! Esteemed Writer, Ohhhhhhh Boy!!!!!

    Where does one begin?

    Dukies so deserve their homophonic moniker! Green Day dedicated a classic album to pay homage to each and every one of those stiff, dry, stool seeking, brown nosed, jet black dyed hair, seventy something syncophants.

    Let’s not forget the biggest dookie of them all, Coack (I’m not just a coach I’m a teacher) “K”

    Mike Krzyzewski is to sport what Carpet Baggers were to The South during Reconstruction. Check that, I’m sure Coach Potassium was a Carpet Bagger post U.S Civil War Reconstruction.

    Krzyzewski has been an assistant coach or head coach for Team USA/U18 FIBA since 1979. 1980 is when the dick became Duke’s Head Coach.

    Hey who is the fellow next to Mikey on the left?

    The Real Coach “K” is to whom Coach “Special-K” should publicly give credit to for his own Dookie Success; and, the “K” is silent!

    Yes PUPpy People, The General, Bob Knight. Where did Mikey learn to stick his nose where the sun don’t shine so he could play “The Point” at Army?

    Would you let your kid play for this guy?

    Would you let this guy be your Assistant Coach at Indiana after his 4 years of service post West Point?

    Would you want this turgid tool be Head Coach at Army and the Duke?

    From Christian Laetner to Luke Kennard; oh who happened to break LBJ’s Ohio HS scoring record, Coach K has been busy poaching kids from U18 FIBA Teams and Team USA. He’s a dick!

    Er…Sorry, I meant,

    Is that Justice Winslow too? No, it’s Coach K’s Mom!

    In closing the answer to all the questions above is an emphatic “Yes!” That is if you have the Real Coach K as a reference.

    And, the guy who coaches on a court named after himself, while alive and while he is the program’s active head coach, owes his narcistic, neuroses of a “so-called” great coaching career to………..

    Krzyzewski is such a dick!

    Much Love & Two Fingers,

    Big PUPpy


    P,S. Is That “Uncle Drew” on the 2010 FIBA U18 Championship Team?


    Coach Potassium has KD doing “The Wojo”



    Coach Potassium does his version of “The Wojo” mid video, such a dick!


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