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Big Business is Scrambling to #Captivate Millennials, We’re Here to Help: Typical Millennial Purchases, Ranked

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By: Alex Marcheschi

Millennials…amirite? The Olympics sucked? Blame it on millennials. No one’s buying cars anymore? Blame it on millennials…oh wait, jk. It’s a weird phenomenon, nowadays you can pretty much get away with anything by blaming millennials. Pretty nice perk for old people, tbh.

Corporations are scrambling to #captivate this new #audience of humans. Millennials are starting to get money and it’s like big businesses are discovering a new breed of person. They’re “v confused,” as millennials would say.

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So, what do millennials actually spend their money on? That’s what CEOs and #MarketingProfessionals across the countries are scrambling to figure out. We’re here to solve the problem. Time for a #deepdive, things millennials spend money on, ranked.

1. Iced Coffee

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According to the U.S. News Best Colleges survey, 93% of Communication School classes begin with a 10 minute grace period to pick up an iced coffee. Thank God. Trying to write #content without an iced coffee in today’s day and age is like trying to start a fire without flint. Hey big business, want young people to actually buy shit? How about including a free iced coffee with every purchase. Duh.

IKEA employee: “Oh, you’re looking for a new sofa? Would an iced coffee help you make the decision to purchase this?” 

Typical Millennial: “Uhh, fuck yeah, bro.”

2. Followers

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According to Cosmo, the average millennial spends 70% of their day thinking of ways to gain new followers. Millennials are buying followers in bulk, Costco style. Major #disruption is occurring. Big business should take notice.

Best Buy employee: “You seem reluctant to buy this FitBit, would it help if I followed you on insta?”

Typical Milennial: “omg, that would be amaaaziiing. Sold, betch.”

3. Rum Buckets

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Many millennials don’t realize this yet, but the second biggest game in America (behind Pokemon Go) is “Millennial Hunter.” It’s the same concept as Pokemon Go, but it’s for baby boomers and they don’t need a phone. They just walk around and capture images of millennials the old fashioned way, with their eyeballs and brains. Then they go home and tell a “story” to the family about some idiot millennial they saw taking a selfie with a rum bucket. If there are two or more millennials in any semi-vacation setting (i.e. a bar on the river, a bar near the beach, a bar near an above-ground pool, etc.) chances are you will see a millennial with a rum bucket. For perspective, a millennial with a rum bucket for “Millennial Hunter” users is as common as a Pidgey for “Pokemon Go” users.

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basic betches have been known to yell “yaaas” when they first see one of these

Outdoor bar waiter: You guys seem reluctant to buy an actual meal, would a rum bucket help you make that decision?

Typical millennial: Did you say rum bucket? 16 bucks? Perfect. Makes sense. Oh shit, my phone’s about to die, bring it quick I wanna ‘gram this.

4. White Adidas Shoes

More and more, millennials prefer not to walk unless there’s potential to post their steps on their Snapchat story, according to Business Insider. See below for context.

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When walking around a big city, every 20 minutes or so, one will typically see 4-5 females dressed like the one above. It’s an epidemic.

Average city mom: “Hey hunny, wanna walk to the local bodega with me?”

Typical millennial: “Maybe if you’d Venmo me that money you owe me for taking your Range to the car wash I’d have enough money for some clean new white Adidas lowtops and I’d feel like walking with you.”

5. Super Foods

According to Conde Nast, millennials who don’t eat super foods are fucking losers. As one local millennial put it, “if you’re not spending 70% of your paycheck on super foods and ‘gramming your stocked fridge, I don’t wanna be associated with you. K?”

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However, when asked what a “super food” actually is, the same local millennial responded “idk, I just go to the Super Food section of my local Trader Joe’s.” What can big business take away from this? Begin stocking Trader Joe’s “Super Food” section with millennial targeted items.

“Think about it,” ESPN’s Darren Rovell said. “If, per se, Liberty Mutual stationed Insurance salesmen in the “Super Food” section of Trader Joe’s, I’d imagine they could convince health-conscious millennials to buy some crazy-ass life insurance plans. Simple scare tactics, easy money baby. The salesman would have to be wearing a nametag that indicates they themselves are not a Super Food, though.”

There you have it. If you’re a CEO reading this, you’re welcome.

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