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I Have a Radical (like, cool) Way to Make Baseball Great Again

By: Nick Boeing

I’ll tell ya what guys (and girls, in case any females read this), baseball is a mess right now. Not because of the ‘integrity of the game’ or anything dumb like that, but because everything I knew about baseball from my youth is fucked.

We’ve got the Cubs, Blue Jays and the fucking Indians as some of the best teams in the league, the Yankees were sellers at the deadline, the Moneyball days of the A’s are long dead and Kyle Farnsworth isn’t beating the living shit out of people.

No one’s hitting 60-plus homers anymore and pitching is the new cool thing. I miss the days when the best players’ names were Ken, Mark, Sammy, Derek; not Clayton and Bryce. I didn’t grow up wanting baseball to become this shit show. I had hopes and dreams of someone hitting 80 homers in a season.

And then we got A-Rod, Teixeira and Prince Fielder all retiring?! I’m not 100% positive, but I’m pretty sure all these guys either had one of those mini bobble heads in the cereal boxes or were featured on Backyard Baseball. If you didn’t own or at least play Backyard Baseball when you were a kid, you were probably poor or a real loser. You were also a loser if you didn’t collect those bobble heads; I DEFINITELY wasn’t a loser. Sad, sad baseball times we’re living in.

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Of course, everyone has to hate A-Rod at this point, right? There was no denying his natural talent, but between his feminine features and him having weird lips, he was hard to trust. And, for the record, I’m all for juicing strictly for the entertainment value, but he juiced so much that his manhood has basically gotta be a glorified clit by now. Wow, that was fucking gross to write out. I’m sorry. He also was in a relationship with Cameron Diaz at one point I believe, but now he’s not, so, yeah, what an asshole.

Teixeira was that guy that everyone knew was good at baseball because everyone else said so, but you still kinda felt like you were waiting for him to have a breakout year. I feel like he was overrated and underrated at the same time. No clue, really. Not big on the Rangers, Braves, Angels or Yankees…pretty much any team that isn’t the Reds.

The Prince Fielder stuff I thought was gonna be funny and about him being fat, but then I saw his retirement announcement with his neckbrace on and it kinda lost its luster. Although, you have to wonder if his neck injury is directly related to his weight. Fat guys don’t just not have health problems and a guy that fat is bound to have bone issues at some point. It was pretty funny to watch him unassumingly waddle up to the plate, only to launch a 450 foot bomb and take five minutes to get around the bases.

Now, if commissioner Rob Manfred had any real respect for America’s pastime and it’s athletes, he would put a complete and total ban on players that don’t take steroids. If there wasn’t this huge crackdown on ‘roids, we’d have: 1.) A-Rod possibly hitting 800 homers 2.) Fielder not hurt, probably 3.) a still black, not crazy Sammy Sosa 4.) less liars.

Big point right there, the less liars thing. We’ve got all these former players lying under oath and guess what? It’s your fault MLB. Arrest Major League Baseball for forcing these players to lie under oath. Bam.


Bottom line: Major League Baseball has created a world full of law-breaking former athletes, is making once-great players get hurt and retire and making pitchers seem like they’re good and too important. I am sick and tired of the madness.

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