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Bengals Beat Jets 23-22, A.J. Goes on All-Inclusive Vacation to Revis Island

By: Alex Marcheschi

What. A. Season. Opener. 

We had everything you could ever want from a big time Bengals game: Andy playing erratically for over half of the game, AJ doing alien things, Iloka trying to murder people AND Jeremy Hill looking like the savage that he is in his heart of hearts.

I’m not here to really recap the game or analyze it, because I’ve never actually played football and I don’t really know what I’m talking about when it comes to the specifics of the game. I’m a big vibes guy, and I LOVED the vibes yesterday. Here’s what stood out to me throughout the game:

First of all, I got scared because we had the worst announcing duo of all-time, Jim Nantz and Phil Simms, on the call and I never like the juju they bring to the game.

Also, I was hoping to actually listen to the commentators and not be forced to mute it, but as Mick once said, you can’t always get what you want. I muted the wondertwins and listened to the new Post Malone and Biebs on repeat instead (not complaining).

We opened with a touching tribute to the victims of 9/11 and Maualuga looked like an absolute badass holding the flag and leading the team. I’ve done a 180 on him, he used to be pretty openly hated by the fans, but he goes all out and you gotta love it.

The first jaw-dropping play of the game happened when AJ turned on the burners and TOASTED Revis for a 56 yard tuddy reception.

That prompted Sam Middendorf, a friend of the program, to throw together this GEM of a photoshop.

We then saw Decker work Dre on a nasty route for a TD.

The Bengals and Jets would each hit field goals before the half, and we went into the break trailing 16-13. At the start of the third quarter, Marvin called a nice wildcat play on third and two in the redzone to snag the first. That’s when Jeremy punched it in in the video from the intro. Great to see him running with confidence. Also saw this wild stat.

We then wondered how Andy manages to keep his hair so perfect with a helmet on all game.

Paul Guenther called a great second half and held the Jets to a total of six points. He just happened to look like an absolute pimp doing it. There’s a good chance we have another future head coach on staff in him.

AJ punked Revis again…

On to the fourth quarter, the Jets weren’t going away, Folk banged one to cut our lead to 20-19. We got the ball back and got it into field goal range, but Nuge missed. Then Folk hit again and we were down 22-20 with 3:25 left on the clock.

But, never fear, Andy was ready to get us into field goal range.

He did exactly that, and Nuge redeemed himself with a 43-yarder to put us ahead by 1 with 58 seconds left. Bengals fans everywhere were praying to the football gods for a defensive stop, another meltdown after the playoff game would’ve been brutal, but the defense came up huge and won the game.

Josh Shaw, who once jumped off a third story balcony while at USC and lied about it, picked off Fitzy and put the game on ice.

IMHO, Shaw can lie all he wants if he’s gonna make plays like he did in this game. Beast. Another Mike Brown special. Clearance Rack City.

Great win to start the season, but we have the damn Steelers looming next Sunday @ Pittsburgh and you know Big Ben is hungry for a W, as he always is.


Until next time, fam. Who Dey.




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