The PUP List’s 2016 Hypothetical Presidential Bracket
By: Alex Marcheschi
This election process has been like watching a UFC fight…at first you thought it was fun, then it got bloody and now you’re appalled that this is how society chose to entertain itself. Think about it, how much has this election morphed our view of the news? When you turn on the TV tonight, you will literally hear the words “pussy,” “Wiener” and “crooked” thousands of times. That, my friends, sounds more like a game of Cards Against Humanity than a list of buzzwords that will decide who our next president is.
Yet, even joking about how scummy this race is has become dull. So, we here at The PUP List (AKA me, don’t judge anyone else for this) decided to put together our own bracket of the real top 12 candidates for President. The bracket, with all of the results in place, is below. The seedings were decided upon by the Harvard Business Review and the results were developed with help of IBM’s Watson, so it’s just an indisputable fact. Sorry.
You’re probably extremely confused after dissecting that, but that’s why we’re here. Here’s how it all went down…
Opening Round Highlights
#8 Amy Adams vs. #9 Barry Sanders
The only reason Amy Adams is in the mix here is because of her role in The Fighter. If Trump can make it this far with that fiery no BS attitude, so can Amy. Imagine the fieryness of Trump in the form of an actual hot chick? Cheat code. Old white men across the country would have no choice but to vote for Amy.
Her challenger is the GOAT running back, (fight me about it) Barry Sanders. The only man literally too good to play in the NFL. He got so good, it just wasn’t fun anymore. The only problem is that Barry rarely speaks and he smiles even less than he speaks. He’d get things DONE in office, but wouldn’t have the passion to get out there and earn votes. Amy advances.
#5 Andre 3,000 vs. #12 Laila Ali
Look out here folks, this is a classic 12 vs. 5 upset in the making. Yes, Andre 3,000 is probably the most introspective voice in hip hop today (listen below), but he can’t be trusted to stay optimistic in office. While his takes are usually spot on, they are often too harsh for the public to come to terms with.
Laila wins because the has the pedigree, the looks, the toughness and the smarts. She’s the perfect candidate, but how far can she make it as a 12 seed?
ROUND ONE, ROUNDED UP
This video alone propelled Bo Burnham to victory over a formidable challenger in Anquan Boldin, the pound for pound toughest player in the NFL today.
John Mayer vs. Theo Epstein wasn’t even close. While Theo may be a weirdo who listens to black box recordings of plane crashes when he’s feeling down, his success on the field can’t be ignored. He’s hot with America right now, he advances over Mayer who was wondering why he was even in the field in the first place.
ROUND TWO HIGHLIGHTS
Denzel easily defeats Amy Adams by channeling his inner Coach Boone and wearing his signature one-colored sweatsuit at the debate:
Laila Ali rides the momentum from her upset over Andre 3,000 and upsets Jim Brown. Brown figured he could capitalize on the Cleveland juju, but just like the Indians, he was stunningly upset. Laila takes after her father and shakes up the world.
De Niro vs. Burnham is a battle of old school liberalism vs. new school sarcasm, and sarcasm wins that battle 100% of the time. Burnham leaves De Niro weeping in a corner of confusion and Bo captures the #millennial vote.
David Robinson, the most underrated NBA player of all time and a graduate of the Naval Academy, emerges as the country’s front-runner after Theo drops an f -bomb during their debate and offends the conservatives of the world. David Robinson simply looks like the optimal president, and that fact alone helps him immensely. He wins.
Semi-Finals Round Highlights
Laila’s run to the White House hits an abrupt stop when she is forced to debate with Denzel. Being the gentleman he is, he lets Laila make her points, but then decimates her with infallible logic at every turn, because well, he’s Denzel Washington. Truly no one can outwit him, or can they? Is there a person alive more fit to be our leader? Can the winner of Bo vs. David take on the favorite?
*Gregg Popopich pops head around the corner and says “yes.”*
Bo’s supporters made their presence felt, just as Bernie’s did, but in the end The Admiral is just too much of a juggernaut to compete with. A naval background, two rings and the voice of a leader. Game. Set. Match.
The Final Round: #1 Denzel Washington vs. #3 David Robinson
Two of the most respected men in America, both happen to be black, and this rattles some, but the nation as a whole rejoices in the fact that we finally have two respectable candidates. We’ve seen Denzel handle it all: a racially charged high school football team, debilitating alcoholism, a crashing plane, a crashing train, illegal narcotics rings, and so on, and so forth.
WARNING: Spoiler Alert for the movie Flight
Denzel came in as the heavy favorite, but Robinson’s looks, wit and qualifications have become too much to fight against. The Admiral can do no wrong, and he towers over everyone in politics, giving him the natural advantage in the eyes of the people.
Early on during election day, people are saying that both candidates have a shot. But, as dinner time draws nearer, it becomes clear that America has decided.
David Robinson is the next President, according to us here at The PUP List, and that’s what we will pretend for the next four years. Happy Election day to everyone who read this, if only we could watch our fearless leader’s dunk highlight tape on a loop for hours tonight instead of Anderson Cooper and Megyn Kelly pretending like they are the keyholders to our political treasure chest.