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Who is PFT Commenter?

By: Alex Marcheschi

If you have a functioning brain and pay attention to sports media, you’ve undoubtedly heard the name “PFT Commenter”. Whether he’s flaunting his hard nips with his arm around Marlins Man, slapping a friend in the nuts while he chugs milk or having a discussion about rising prescription drug costs with Martin Shkreli, his name is a constant presence on the Internet streets.

However, we still don’t know who this mystery man is. When on camera, he’s always wearing sunglasses and his long hair acts as an invisible cloak. Some speculate that he is dating Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway, others gossip about a possible homosexual relationship with Chargers running back Danny Woodhead, but no one truly knows the man behind the shades. Here at The PUP List, we pride ourselves on doing guerilla gorilla journalism in order to find out the truth, and that’s exactly what we’ll be doing here.

So, who is PFT Commenter? That’s what we’re about to find out. Below is a picture of PFT Commenter, and below that is our list of suspects.

pft.jpg

PFT, on the far left, hanging out with what can only be assumed to be his dads

SUSPECT #1 – Sean Salisbury

sean salibury.jpg

Sean Salisbury is a former NFL QB who used to work as an ESPN analyst until he showed a picture of his genitals to co-workers circa 2010. He was known for his hot takes, and his fame even reached a level that allowed him to be featured in the movie “Benchwarmers”. But, he couldn’t recover from the dick pic and he lost his career in sports media because of it…or did he? Seems almost too coincidental that just as Salisbury’s career died, PFT’s started to rise. There’s a resemblance there, all it would take is a wig and some shades to pull it off.

SUSPECT #2 – Mike Gansey

gansey.jpg

Gansey, a member of the most legendary West Virginia Mountaineers team ever, rose to fame alongside Kevin Pittsnogle in the mid 2000s. However, upon graduation, his star fell as he missed out on the NBA and fell into a pit of irrelevancy. Just from watching Gansey play alongside Pittsnogle, one could surmise that his takes would essentially be a carbon copy of PFT’s. Same skin tone, same love for malt liquor, same determination and grit. Has anyone ever seen Gansey and PFT in the same room?

Suspect #3 – Ryan Freel 

Cincinnati Reds v New York Mets

First of all, a quick RIP to Ryan Freel…or not? Freel was reported dead in 2012, which just happens to be right in the prime of PFT’s rise to fame. The dots are easy to connect here…both were/are known for their hustle, both struggled/struggle with alcohol and both were/are big fans of the Reds. I hate to joke about death, but we have to keep every door open here. Freel is a real suspect.

SUSPECT #4 – Jackie MacMullan 

jackie macmullan.jpg

We’re gonna go have to go back to the “has anyone seen these two in the same room” theory here for a minute. The resemblance is striking, just throw a pair of aviators on Jackie Mac and that’s essentially PFT. Hard to ignore. Both have a wealth of sports knowledge in their brain, and both are known to share a disdain for Jay Mariotti. Jackie Mac is a very real suspect, I could easily see her looking for a change after years of suffering on Around The Horn. She hasn’t been on ESPN much lately, where did she go?

SUSPECT #5 – Kip Pardue 

sunshine.jpg

Most know Kip as “Sunshine” from Remember The Titans, the classic football film released in 2000. In the film, Kip seemed like an up and coming Hollywood star, but have you seen him in any other big movies? Didn’t think so. In Remember The Titans, Kip’s character slowly morphs from a pansy into a football guy. Also, in his first appearance in the film, he had long hair just like PFT’s. I could see Kip developing the PFT persona in an attempt to stay relevant after failing to make it as an actor.

SUSPECT #6 – Adam Morrison

adam morrison.jpg

Morrison may be the most logical suspect, sure the height is an issue as PFT is a short man, but with modern medicine anything is possible. Essentially all it would take is some blonde hair dye and a good German doctor. Here’s the damning evidence, PFT has a podcast called “Pardon My Take” and the show’s first big headline grab involved Morrison. PFT had former Gonzaga player Kyle Wiltjer on his show, and Wiltjer falsely stated that Morrison had an apocalypse bunker. Hmmm 🤔. Just days later “Morrison” came on the show to defend himself, but if you listen closely, it sounds like it’s just PFT switching voices throughout the conversation.

So, who actually is PFT Commenter? That’s for you to decide. We’ve presented you with the evidence, all you have to do is strap on your thinking cap. Leave your pick for the culprit in the comments.

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