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Bearcats Opening Weekend Preview: Lonzo Ball’s Boujee Ass Isn’t Ready for a Street Fight & Troy Caupain Is


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By: Alex Marcheschi

I was grocery shopping during Selection Sunday. I don’t know how I forgot it was happening, but I did. There I was, calmly putting off-brand chicken noodle soup into my shopping cart, completely unaware the forces that be were shafting my life coach, Mick Cronin.

My phone started to buzz while I was in the parking lot. It was then that I realized the Bearcats got a 6 seed, had to play in Sac-Town and would most likely face UCLA in the second round. Was I sad? Yes. Angry? Certainly. Surprised? No, not in the least.

You see, when you root for Cincinnati teams, you have to assume the worst. Mick said that the seeding process was flawed a few weeks ago, and the committee made him pay. He even doubled down on it Tuesday:

And that’s why I love Mick. People like to say they don’t give a fuck, but Mick truly doesn’t give a fuck. The Bearcats are walking around Sacramento with AKs strapped to their hip and duffle bags full of ammo. They will empty a clip on anybody who steps into their path, Mick lives for bloodshed.

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The key to the Bearcats’ success in March will be sticking to the plan. We can’t come out nervous, jacking up threes like we did in the most recent game against SMU. That’s a recipe for disaster. No other team in the NCAA needs to start a game hot like the Bearcats do, we have a miserable time trying to come back from large deficits. There is no logical reason why we would lose to Kansas State. However, there are plenty of logical reasons why we would lose to UCLA in the next game.

Drawing the Bruins in the second game is truly awful. They have been considered a top 10 team all year long, and to think that a five loss Bearcats team has to be exposed to that in the first weekend of the tourney is a joke.

But, it is the hand the ‘Cats have been dealt. They can absolutely beat UCLA, but they’ll have to play a perfect game. That means Washington will have to know exactly when to shoot, but more importantly, when not to. It means Troy Caupain will have to have a true floor general game, and I think he’ll be chomping at the bit to match up against the highly touted Lonzo Ball.


The one player that Bearcats fans can trust is Gary Clark. Gary will die on the court if need be. In order to beat UCLA, Cumberland will have to have some moments that remind us of his performance in the Crosstown Shootout, and he is very capable of recreating that.

In my mind, Jacob Evans is the X-factor for UC. If Evans is on, and Troy is moving the ball around, the Bearcats are very, very hard to beat. I’m trying to spin this pacific time zone, 6 seed combo in my brain and I think I’ve finally done it. It allows Mick to legitimately play the “nobody respects us” card and all the players should buy into it. If we come out like a pack of rapid dogs, who literally don’t care if they’re teeth get knocked out, we will make it to the second weekend.

The controversy surrounding Lonzo Ball and his father LaVar is a gift from the heavens.

There is so much media attention on the Bruins, and the national media doesn’t know Troy is capable of fucking Lonzo’s day up. If that game starts with Troy picking his pocket a few times, or hitting him with a hard foul to set the tone, the camera will immediately shift to LaVar and we’ll be able to cut the tension with a knife.

I would bet that LaVar Ball doesn’t even know who Troy Caupain is, but something tells me Troy’s name will be burned into his brain for eternity come Sunday night. Something tells me there will be murals of Troy Caupain painted all over the Queen City. Something tells me that Lonzo Ball’s pretty boy, billion-dollar-shoe-deal-face-ass will be literally weeping after he faces off against Troy Caupain. Something tells me the world isn’t ready for the rabid-ass Bearcats that hail from Nasty Nati. Fuck the free world, 513.


Troy is B-Rabbit and Lonzo is Papa Doc.

Lonzo doesn’t have an answer, you went to Chino Hills, that’s a boujee school in the hidden hills of Cali. What’s the matter dawg, you embarrassed? This guy’s a gangster? His real name is “Lonzo” and Lonzo lives at home with both parents, and Lonzo’s parents have a real good marriage. This guy don’t want a battle, he’s shook, there ain’t no such thing as halfway crooks.


Troy Caupain was molded in the furnace, he made his bones playing in an airplane hanger for a gymnasium and a conference that no one respects. He is a fuckin’ bum, he does live in a trailer with his mom, proverbially. UCLA simply isn’t ready for a legitimate street fight. This is our year and those pretty boy bitches in baby blue don’t want it.


p.s. Quadri is 100% Cheddar Bob


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