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Cavs in 7! If You’re Scared, Go To Church!

By: Alex Marcheschi

Last night, I became physically ill when I saw Steph put LeBron in a spin cycle:

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Mood x 1,000. #StephCurry #LeBron

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But, when I awoke this morning I saw that it was all a lie! I knew he had to have cheated to punk LBJ like that. Makes so much sense, double dribble city.

And there was also Steph pretending to take a nap during the game, that almost made me vomit:

Ladies and gentleman, I would like to introduce you to a dear old friend of mine, he goes by the name of Bad Juju. Steph Curry is a phony, a fraud, a cheater, a petulant child…I could go on with insults forever. The basketball gods are looking down from heaven with spite, he is flying too close to the sun. Just because he added the second best player alive to his squad, he now feels he is invincible. Good job, you won two games at home, that’s what you’re supposed to do. Funny how the fans of the Golden State Social Justice Warriors are so comfortable rooting for a team that doesn’t share the wealth. They should ask themselves – would Bernie Sanders be a Warriors fan?

But, back to the point, we’re forgetting about a very unfortunate, but very real aspect of war: PTSD. When Steph steps foot in The Q, he will be met with visions of this:

The Warriors lost game three by 30 points last year! How soon we forget! I don’t give a rat’s ass if they have KD now, that team is still the most mentally fragile squad to ever walk the earth. All they need is the faint smell of Lake Erie to be wafted into their nostrils and they will begin to sweat. No one really expected the Cavs to win one of the first two games in Oakland anyway, I was hopeful last night, but I would have been surprised.

The Warriors don’t know what it feels like to earn a solid day’s paycheck. Once they step foot into the rust belt, they’ll be out of their element like a city boy going fishing with his grandad. There’s also this:

I wouldn’t put it past the Warriors to be pumping THC into the Cavs locker room via the air conditioning system. Think about it, how else can you explain Kyrie and JR’s somber, lackluster play? I mean JR had zero points last night for god’s sake, ZERO!

There’s also the Kardashian Kurse, as Tristan is currently dating Khloe. I think he should play much better when he’s not in the same state as that life sucking demoness. All we need is for KD to get put in his place for one game and everything will change. I still believe, LeBron is still King and the Cavs are NOT dead.

All the Cavs need is a little home cooking, they’ve been in this position before, it’s not that scary. Kyrie knows that Steph has been eating him alive thus far, and he won’t let that stand. Uncle Drew will be back and the Cavs will tie up the series. Not scared. “Go To Church” and “Never Scared” are our two theme songs for the rest of The Finals. P.S. This Peter Warrick jersey is fiiiiiiiiiiiiiire.


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