Dugan’s NFL Season Preview: Afternoons with Philip, Bengals Making The Jump & Eli Going Off
By: Tyler Dugan
You hear that? That’s the sound of a cold Bud Light cracking open. The oven beeping to let you know the skyline dip is done. It’s Scott Hanson telling us he’s going to quad box on us. It’s the sound of the NFL, and there are few better sounds.
How can you not be excited to wake up slightly hungover, put some super greasy food in the oven, crack open a cold one and flick on a full slate of 1 o’clock games. Then, by 4 when the Bengals game has ended, your energy is gone and you get to watch the Chargers get down 12 with like 2 minutes to go and just watch Philip Rivers run around like a chicken with his head cut off trying to pull off a backdoor cover. The NFL is truly a tradition like none other.
So what do I expect to see?
I believe the Bengals win the division. I’ve said it for a while now. The schedule is significantly easier, and Pittsburgh’s schedule is harder. The defense is better. The weapons are better. The line is worse, but honestly it can’t get much worse than last year. So give me the Bengals going 11-5 and winning the division. Pittsburgh finishes 2nd, their offense is stacked, but no way Leveon and Fat Ben play 16 games. They have a tough schedule. Baltimore is 3rd. They are so average. Just don’t see it for them. Cleveland, well, they are starting Deshone Kizer who couldn’t complete a pass in college, I literally don’t think he would be the starting QB at Notre Dame this year.
Tennessee is super loaded. Honestly think they are the most talented team in the division. They have the most trust worthy QB. They win the division, and honestly, they win it easily. Houston comes in second. Tom Savage can’t win a division, can’t happen, won’t happen. Tom fucking Savage, get real. Colts and Jags both are awful, not even worth talking about.
I LOVE the Chiefs this year. They have a great defense. A good run game. A safe quarterback, and decent playmakers. They win this division. Raiders come in second, not in on Beast mode, not in on their defense. Sorry. I’m not buying into the Raiders hype. Broncos come in third. Again, Trevor Sieman is their quarterback, just no. If your starting QB would be battling for starting jobs on like 10 college teams you can’t be a good NFL team, sorry. I love the Chargers, not that they are any good or anything, but I will miss them so much in San Diego. I loved watching a half empty stadium go buck wild as Phil The Thrill Rivers would try to lead his team back from down 20 and come up just short. The game would end on some strip sack. The TV would flip to Philip just peeling himself off the ground as he cusses out his lineman. I love San Diego, horseshit how they are LA now.
No need to waste time. New England is really good. Miami is strictly average. Buffalo is bad. The Jets are really bad. Cutler is better than Tannehill but doesn’t mean anything really. That’s all I got on this.
Get ready for the hottest take of the year. It’s not even really a take, it’s just me calling my shot. Packers won’t win the division, and I’m solely basing this off the fact that I think Aaron Rodgers is going to get hurt this year. He has never suffered an injury, at least that I can remember, so I’m just calling my shot. He goes down sometime this year. Stay woke. Vikings win the division, Mike Zimmer and his one eye dominate defensively, Dalvin Cook looks good. Sammy Long Sleeves slings tuddies to Rudy all day. Lions come in second, Matt Stafford will prove his worth. The Aaron Rodgersless Packers come in third. The Bears are that bad, and come in last by a mile.
Falcons are that good. They win the division again. The other defenses in this division can’t stop this offense. In a new stadium, they are very good. Panthers finish second. Big bounce back year for Cam. Christian Mccaffery is so damn quick, he makes them a billion times better. Bucs finish third. They are good, but Jameis is a douche, he throws too many late picks, this year it will cost em. Saints finish last. That defense is abysmal. Can’t win with that.
The most annoying team in the league is the Seahawks. I hate how much they talk about the crowd noise. I hate how much they talk about Russell Wilson being 5’11” 3rd round draft pick who used to play baseball. I hate the Legion of Boom. I hate watching Pete Carroll chew gum. But they win the division. Cardinals are so underrated. David Johnson is damn good, probably the best RB in the game. They feed him carries. The honey badger is back on D. Larry Fitz literally never ages. The Cards are better than people give them credit for. Rams finish third. Idk about Jared Goff, but they have like a 29 year old coach, I’m sure that he will do some weird shit that will give them wins. 49ers suck.
The EAGLES win this division. Alshon Jeffery was a big time pick up for them. Their defense has gotten so much better. They may have the best o line in the NFL. Wentz will be very good. I like the Eagles this year. The Giants come in second. Eli is my favorite non Bengal in the league. I love that man. Primetime Eli is the G.O.A.T. They may have the best defense in the league. Odell is a superstar. I’m big on the Giants. Dallas comes in 3rd. They come in 3rd for me regardless of Zeke’s suspension. They skated by last year by playing a last place team schedule. Now they will play a first place team schedule. They won a lot of close games. That tide flips. Dak is overrated. Their defense sucks. Out on the boys. Skins come in last, just can’t see it. Defense is average offense is average. Not enough for me.
So overall my playoff picture looks like this. In the AFC, 1. Pats 2. Titans 3. Bengals 4. Chiefs 5. Raiders 6. Steelers.
Bengals beat the Steelers, if the Bengals want to get over their playoff juju, they must beat Pittsburgh. They can and they will. The Chiefs beat the Raiders. The Bengals then beat the Titans in the 2nd round. The Chiefs beat the Pats. That’s right, that means the Bengals will be playing the AFC championship game at home vs the Chiefs. They lose. Chiefs to the Superbowl.
The NFC: 1. Seattle 2. Atlanta 3. Eagles 4. Vikings 5. Giants 6. Panthers.
Eagles beat the Panthers. Giants beat the Vikings. Giants then go to Seattle and win. Eagles go to Atlanta and lose. Giants at Atlanta for a trip to the Superbowl. Giants win. Primetime Eli people.
Chiefs vs. Giants Super Bowl. ELI. Numero 3 for the G.O.A.T. Giants are champs again.
ROY: Dalvin Cook
COY: Pete Carrol
Let the fun begin.