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NFL Opening Weekend Recap: Don’t Bury The Bengals Yet, The Steelers are Dirty and Rodgers Needs a New Chinstrap

By: Tyler Dugan

Here’s what we saw in week 1.

Bengals vs. Ravens

Disaster. Utter Disaster. It was almost like the entire team was sleep walking. Let’s start with the obvious: Andy Dalton has to be better. All the weapons. All the speed. Dalton was bad. As bad as I had ever seen Andy. I have stood by Andy Dalton for a long time, that was the worst game he has ever played.

But, to all the Andy Dalton haters out there, who is better? And don’t give me this AJ McCarron bullshit. AJ is a good backup quarterback. He is nothing other than that. I have nothing against McCarron, but if you honestly think AJ is better than Andy Dalton you need to go rewatch those few games he started at the end of the 2015 season. My favorite lines of the AJ McCarron fan boys: “If Hill doesn’t fumble, and the defense doesn’t make dumb penalties Mccarron wins that playoff game!” He was 23-41 with a pick and a touchdown. He had a QBR of 32.6 that game. His one TD was severely under thrown and AJ made a great play. The second and best line by the AJ Mccarron fan club “He’s a winner!! Look what he did in college!” If you are a quarterback at Alabama you are a winner. Greg McElroy is a winner, Jake Coker is a winner. Just because you win a National Title at Alabama it doesn’t make you a winner. Andy will be better. I believe that. Second issue with the game was the play calling. I HATE KEN ZAMPESE. Why was Joe Mixon never in? Why wasn’t AJ Green or Tyler Eifert targeted in the red zone? Why did we throw a WR screen to Tyler Boyd on 3rd and 5 coming out of a timeout? Why does Brandon LaFell seem to be the focal point of the offense? Nothing scares me more in the future than this play calling. The line was brutal. I said the line couldn’t be worse than last year. It’s worse. Definitely worse. Cedric Ogebuhi, bad. Got raped by a 72 year old Terrell Suggs. Raped. Dalton was sacked like 13 times. Just pitiful. Lastly, why with 8 minutes to go in the game down 20 did Marvin punt? Like what the fuck was that? I’m going to finish this positive tho. The defense looked really good. We likely play a rookie QB next week. Dalton will never play that bad again. There are 15 games left. That was a big game and the Bengals laid an egg. But they can recover. Come back this week with a win and the season starts over, I’m not jumping off a bridge quite yet.

Steelers vs. Browns

The Browns!!!! They played well actually. If it wasn’t for a blocked punt this may be a little different of a game. The story of this game though are the two blatant dirty plays made by big fat Roethlisberger and the ugliest man in the NFL, Ryan Shazier.

I’m demanding fines/suspensions for this shit. The Steelers looked like shit honestly. They are beatable. TJ Watt will be the next Steeler douche for the Bengals to hate.

Titans vs. Raiders

What most thought might be the game of the week. It was a good game. Nothing overly special. The Raiders looked good. Derek Carr’s eyes still freak me out one year later. He seriously needs to start wearing a tinted visor. Can’t win a Super Bowl with those things. Have to cover them up. Beast Mode ran like Beast Mode does. I think both these teams will be really good.

Texans vs. Jags

Tom Savage literally lasted one single half. So abysmal. One guy on the Jags had like 4 sacks?? That is an insane game, I’m not sure what the record is for the most sacks in a game is, but i feel like that should be it. The Texans looked shockingly bad, and the Jags looked shockingly good. If you listened to the DEGEN-F-L show (do it if you haven’t), we put our woke goggles on and warned you that Bortles tanked the preseason just to lower the win total, and then hammer the over on wins. Stay woke people.

Eagles vs. Skins 

Eagles played well. I’m telling ya people, jump on the Wentz wagon, he may be the MVP. They are a really good team, and may have looked the best on the first¬†Sunday¬†of the year. Went on the road and scooped up a huge dub.

Lions vs. Cardinals

Matt Stafford does not get nearly enough credit. People talk about Rodgers, Ryan, Brady, Fat Ben and others a lot. They all have pretty solid receivers, and I get it, Stafford used to have Calvin, but I feel like he has been better since Calvin is gone. Who is even on the Lions? They have zero running backs, their best receivers are Marvin Jones and Golden Tate? They are #3 receivers on like 10 teams. There is no way their defense is good because it is against science for the Lions to have a good defense. So how do they win? Matt Stafford has to be pretty damn good. Because I can name like 3 total players on offense, and don’t know a single player on defense. Give Matt Stafford credit people, my dude deserved the money.

Packers vs. Seahawks

I’m just going to get this out of the way. What is up with Aaron Rodgers chin strap? With all the CTE shit that goes around how is that even legal? Goodell is worried about what a players cleats look like during warmups meanwhile the leagues best player is wearing a piece of paper protecting his face?? How is that even a thing?

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And if you are Aaron Rodgers, why are you even doing that? Quit trying to be something you are not. Put a hard plastic chin strap on like everyone else. Its not 1972, quit trying to be different. This game was a let down. Both offenses played really really bad. It was ugly.

Atlanta vs. Chicago

How was this a one score game? How did the Bears almost win this game? I saw this spread¬†on Monday¬†and was drooling. I fell into the classic Vegas trap! Atlanta -6.5 against the Bears?!??! How is that even a thing, of course the Falcons could beat the Bears by more than a touchdown. WRONG. Nope, the Bears, who might be the worst team in football, hung with and almost beat one of the best teams in football. Makes zero sense. Just can’t predict the fix.

Thats all for this week folks. Week 1 was bad. Week 2 needs to better. Until next time.

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