Skip to content

Really Bengals? Really?

By: Alex Marcheschi

A New York Times writer once absolutely ethered Guy Fieri’s Time Square restaurant by writing a review composed of only questions, and while that personally offends me as a huge Guy guy, I respect it as a ruthless and hilarious move. I’ve been inspired to do the same with the Bengals.

So, it wasn’t a good idea to draft a speed demon wide receiver with your first pick in the draft when you knew you needed lineman like you need air to breathe? You’re really going to bench Tyler Boyd as a healthy scratch? Does that mean we have too many receivers and not enough lineman? Can you throw to receivers without lineman?

Does Ken Zampese know what football is? Why are our past three coordinators all head coaches of teams that could beat us and we’re still stuck with Marvin Lewis? Would Marvin Lewis even be able to feed his family if his job was commission based? Is Mike Brown the human embodiment of Humpty Dumpty?

mike humpty

How is AJ Green keeping his sanity? How is Pacman Jones still on the team? Why wasn’t Dre on Hopkins? Why does Zampese think LaFell is the best player on the team? Will we regret taking Mixon over Dalvin Cook? Why did we draft a kicker in the 5th round and then cut him when we need lineman?

Why does anyone spend money on this team? How does Mike Brown sleep at night? Does Eifert still know how to play football? Why do we have $20 million sitting in cap space when we clearly both suck and blow? Did we really just lose to a kid making his first NFL start at home without even scoring a TD? How did Andy not get literally decapitated last night?

Why do I even care?

1 Comment »

  1. Esteemed Writer & Puppy People,

    The Brown Family has a beautiful property on the cliffs of La Jolla, CA. That’s right friends, the pacifically majestic home of Torrey Pines, (Nantz Voice).

    Mike has publicly questioned whether Cincinnati, a small market city, will be able to support an NFL Franchise in the future.

    Hard to make a case for his statement in a revenue sharing league. I guess Pittsburgh, Kansas City and Green Bay are planting magic moving beans as well!

    Mike is smart. There are two things Mike has won, a war with the IRS and a sweetheart stadium deal.

    Why did Mike put effort into these victories?

    The effort resulted in a billion $+++ asset with minimal tax outlay. By the way Mike became majority owner when buying the lion’s share of the team for 1 $. You understand if the IRS would have questions; but, Mike beat the Revenuers in Federal Court. Who-Dey!!!!!

    The Brown Family has never paid a Franchise Fee to the NFL nor did they purchase the team from any other entity.

    Paul Brown leveraged his legendary coaching status in another Ohio City without paying a dime. Who paid for the Bengals? The Reds, The City of Cincinnati, The NFL & Hamilton County purchased The Bengals 50 years ago and gave the team to Paul Brown.

    It was part of a deal to build a cookie cutter multi-purpose stadium, Riverfront Stadium. Riverfront, home to infinitely more playoff wins than PBS. Any positive number over zero equals……….?

    In summary, since Mike doesn’t use the air conditioning in his Indian Hill Home, he’s looking to spend his gold-bricked years in a climate which does not require heating or air conditioning, San Diego.

    Mike, Katie, PB Jr. & Troy are moving on up to the West Coast.

    Did I mention Mike is smart? Mike is perfecting the art of NBA-style tanking and will join the ranks of the Modells and Irsays as NFL scumbags.

    Hero to zero happens every day. It happened last night!

    Much Love & Two Fingers Puppy People,

    Big Puppy

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: