KD’s Burner Accounts & Kyrie Flaming Bron Proves The NBA Offseason Is Better Than Any Actual Sport
By: Alex Marcheschi
Sports Twitter, specifically NBA Twitter, has been burning to the ground all morning. First, Kevin Durant was discovered as a burner account using loser on both Twitter and Instagram.
Now, this isn’t surprising at all. As I’ve written for years upon years at this point, the Warriors are the biggest douches in the NBA. The Warriors are a team chock full of the asshole kids from grade school whose parents had to make sure they were included in the cool activities. If you and your boys were going to movies, you weren’t going to invite Dray, Steph, Klay or KD, but when KD’s mom overheard the other moms talking about driving arrangements, her ears perked up and she volunteered right away to make sure little Kevin was included. How anyone roots for that Godforesaken team baffles me and quite frankly makes me violently ill.
Now, this news was shocking enough to hold us over for the whole day. But no. Ohhhh no. Kyrie was on First Take this morning going full savage mode, and that’s no exaggeration. I thought “savage” was a dead term by now, but there’s no other way to describe this:
Straight faced, cold blooded killer. That video actually makes me scared for the Eastern Conference Finals. That video makes me think Kyrie, Hayward and the Celtics might actually be capable of upsetting the Cavs. Kyrie is about to go off this year. I’m talking Harden numbers. He’s the most dynamic point guard in the game and HE’S OPENLY SLANDERING THE KING NOW. What is the world coming too? Has the student become the teacher? One could argue that Kyrie got ahead of the curve and flipped the script on Bron. LBJ may have been planning on leaving Kyrie to die on the Cavs, but Kyrie turned around and did that exact thing to James.
This shit tastes so good, I almost want to mainline it. I want it coursing through my veins.
The silver lining here is that Kyrie’s departure might just lead to LeBron staying in Cleveland. Bron has a vendetta against the Celtics now, the Cavs have the Brooklyn pick to build for the future and it looks like D Wade is coming soon.
As for the Warriors, this solidifies them as the most hateable team in sports. More hateable than the Patriots. A team full of entitled douchebags who associate themselves with Silicon Valley and walk around with smug looks on their face 24/7. And Steve Kerr doesn’t walk away clean from this, he is the human embodiment of smug. The smuggiest smug that ever smugged. That guy looks like every Chrysler convertible driving clown who keeps a flask full of Cherry Burnett’s in his golfbag and takes lunch breaks at the driving range. I need D Rose and IT to stay healthy all year, D Wade to come to CLE, and the Cavs to trade the Brooklyn pick for Boogie so they beat these bumass Warriors. I can’t take it anymore. I really can’t.
This NBA season looks like it will be the best one in recent memory. Strap in and locate your local methadone clinics because chances are we’re all going to overdose on the NBA at some point this year.