Why Marvin Lewis is The Donald Trump of The NFL
By: Alex Marcheschi
Look, I try to stay out of politics, I really do. I’m super unqualified to talk about it. I don’t know anything about health care, I couldn’t tell you who the President was eight Presidents ago and I’m more likely to vote in a Twitter poll about candy preferences than I am to vote for my local representatives. Trump lost me after the Charlottesville situation, but that was my decision and I don’t believe everyone who still rolls with him is inherently an idiot or a racist. I get it, I’m firmly anti-Trumpito, but I get it.
However, no matter what your political views may be, you have to admit Trump is the Teflon Don on steroids AND opioids of politics. He can’t be touched and he’s lit off his ass 24/7. He’s the 2004 Dante Hall of Presidents, just running that shit back every time you kick it to him and throwing the “X” up in your face.
He’s completely unafraid of any sort of controversy. He lets his Twitter fingers run half marathons every morning. He just retweeted a GIF of him hitting Hillary in the back with a golf ball and he called Kim Jong Un “Rocket Man”.
If you put the fact that our lives are on the line on the back-burner, it’s pretty hilarious. He survived saying he grabs women by the pussy, he survived saying “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters,” he survived mocking the handicapped and even survived defending Nazis. He puts his nuts on the table on a near daily basis and dares anyone to stop eating their soup and mention it. Every time shit gets hot he just fires one of his minions, he’s got a fool proof plan. Now that I think about it, he runs the country like Marvin Lewis runs the Bengals.
Marvin Lewis is, without a doubt, the worst head coach in the NFL. He is the worst motivator, the worst game planner, the worst play challenger and the worst decision maker all wrapped up in one gigantic ball of terribleness. The Bengals just fired Zampese to briefly call off the dogs, but we’ll all be howling again after we get smacked around by the Packers at Lambeau this weekend.
Marvin has survived losing in the playoffs to a TJ Yates led Texans team, orchestrating absolutely terrible primetime games for his entire career, barely ever being able to beat the Steelers, losing the infamous Jeremy Hill fumble game, being at the helm of a team with the biggest character issues in the league, making Pacman Jones a captain, shitting on Marvin Jones and letting him go, letting Whit and Zeitler walk and his biggest offense of all, being Mike Brown’s yes man for over a baker’s dozen of years. As we all know, this is his 15th year as our coach and he has zero playoff wins. At this point you have to wonder if he is an estranged child of Brown’s. What could Marvin possibly do to get fired? I genuinely think he could walk over to the zoo and shoot Fiona the Hippo in the face and still keep his job.
Jeff Ruby could coach the Bengals better eight Johnnie Walker Blue double shots deep in one of those Samuel L. Jackson hats and his patented American Flag jacket.
I’ve been following a Facebook page called “Fire Marvin Lewis Now” since 2010. I watch Bengals games for the comedic value. I’m thinking about dying my hair because people keep telling me I look like Andy Dalton. I’m like your ex girlfriend who keeps telling you, “I’m not even mad, I just think it’s sad…no, it’s actually funny.”
Marvin Lewis will coach the Bengals for eternity and probably outlive me. In fact, the only way Marvin Lewis will stop being the Bengals coach is if Trump gets the entire planet blown up. People think Trump will be done after his current term ends, and I’m here to tell you this in my best Lee Corso voice: “NOT. SO. FAST.”
I can already see it now, the year is 2024, Marvin Lewis is 23 seasons in as the Bengals head coach with zero playoff wins and Trump’s eight year reign just ended. It’s now illegal to wear Jordans past 10 pm and mayonnaise is the official condiment of the United States. Kid Rock is the Republican nominee with Tom Brady running as his VP and they’re battling against Democratic nominee Jaden Smith for votes, and he’s convinced half of the country that the earth is flat and claims fast food plants alien babies in your stomach. We’re in the midst of a civil war, it’s dangerous to step outside, people are saving their bacon grease in case we run out of gas, the skies are too smoggy to see the stars, even in Wyoming…but Marvin Lewis is still coaching the Bengals.