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I Hate To Break It To You, But This is The Year The Bengals Win a Playoff Game


By: Alex Marcheschi

I hate to break it to you guys, but this is the year the Bengals actually win a playoff game. I really, really, really hate to break it to you. I genuinely hate myself right now, I’m sick to my stomach, but I can feel it in my plums.

When you consider the Cincinnati sports landscape, it only makes sense. This is the year when everyone, even the die hard Bengals apologists, collectively agreed that Marvin needs to go. Everyone is pissed at the front office for ignoring the O Line and drafting John Ross with our first pick. There have already been about three times this year when any other owner would have fired Marvin Lewis, but Marv and Mike are in this for the long haul. I’m convinced Marvin did some jail time for Mike Brown like Emory Jones did for Jay-Z at this point. But anyway, back to the point.

After last week’s Denver win, the Bengals find themselves in the thick of the playoff hunt. Here are the current standings:

1. Pittsburgh  8-2

2. New England 8-2

3. Jacksonville 7-3

4. Kansas City 6-4

5. Tennessee 6-4

6. Baltimore 5-5


Buffalo 5-5

Bengals 4-6

Miami 4-6

New York Jets 4-6

Houston 4-6

LA Chargers 4-6

Oakland 4-6

The AFC is so damn bad that we could very feasibly find ourselves in the last wild card spot, especially with the last game of the season coming against the Ravens. That last wild card spot would likely have us playing either the Jags or the Chiefs in the wild card game, and we could easily beat either of those teams.

When considering what will happen with the Bengals, you have to ask yourself this question: “what outcome makes the least sense?” Once you ask yourself this, you know that this is the year the Bengals win a playoff game. I’m going to say we get the sixth seed and beat the Jags in a rematch where AJ hangs 170 on Jalen Ramsey, and then we go get smashed by the Pats. Lock that in.

This will allow Mike Brown to re-sign Marvin Lewis to a long deal yet again, and we will live in purgatory until either Marvin or Mike Brown dies. John Ross will be delegated to water boy duties and we’ll sign Fiona the hippo to become the first female mammal to play in the NFL, and she’ll be our best linewoman. Welcome to Cincinnati, where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter.

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