Who Should Be The Next Bengals Coach? A List of The Top 5 Candidates
By: Alex Marcheschi
Last Sunday was quite the emotional roller coaster for Bengals fans. For a few beautiful hours we were under the impression that we had been freed from the tyrannical reign of Marvin Lewis, but alas Schefty was not to be trusted and The Big Disappointment himself announced after the game that he had no plans of leaving. That stung.
However, contrary to Marvin’s belief, he actually doesn’t control his own destiny. His contract is up after this year, and if Mike Brown doesn’t want to bring him back, he won’t be back. Let’s all join hands and pray that ole Mikey sends him off to a farm upstate.
So, assuming Brown makes the correct decision, the next logical question is this: who should be the Bengals head coach next year? Well, that’s what I’m here for. Below I have listed the top five candidates to take over and right the ship. Let’s get it.
1 Herman Boone
Herman Boone, the famed coach of the T.C. Williams Titans, would be the perfect coach for the Bengals. No, I’m not talking about Denzel Washington, I’m talking about the real thing. The real Herman. This guy battled through true controversy and produced a winning product on the field. Marvin can’t even hold a candle to Herman’s crisis management skills. He had the balls to give Sunshine a chance at QB and he trusted his coordinators enough to make crucial decisions, like swapping in Petey for Alan. Marvin would never have the cajones to make that happen. Plus, Herman is only 82 years old, so he’s got a solid 18 years of coaching left in him. Who says no?
2 Gus Fring
Name another man who has more experience running a criminal organization. You can’t. Gus is the perfect man for the job in Cincinnati, if we’re not gonna change the culture, might as well hire a man who knows how to get down and dirty. Instead of letting the Steelers bully us, let’s actually kill them. Like real assassinations. Gus doesn’t feel emotion and he would have no qualms with putting a bounty on JuJu’s head. We need to stop being so wishy-washy, let’s either fix the culture or completely embrace the bad boy persona and start actually racking up some felonies.
3 Mike Ditka
Mike Ditka would come in and shake things up immediately. Hey Andy! Stop sulking, tighten your jockstrap and make a play!!!! Pacman, you’re on house arrest!!! Ogbuehi, are you a Dyson vacuum? Because YOU SUCK!!!! These soft millennials on our team have no idea how to win and Ditka could come in and fix that right away. He could hotbox the locker room with cigar smoke during halftime so the team can’t wait to get back out there on the field. Perfect fit.
4 Willie Anderson
It’s time for the Bengals to hire the first player-coach in NFL history. Bring back Willie to shore up the O Line and call the plays from the line. When he’s not on offense he’s got the headset on making audible calls straight into Vontaze’s helmet. Anyone who says that wouldn’t work simply doesn’t know football.
5 Chris Traeger
Who did Pawnee bring in when their budget was in shambles and the culture was in need of resuscitation? That’s right, Chris Traeger. We could use his optimism, to be very honest. Marvin is about as optimistic as a gravedigger with irritable bowel syndrome. I’m sick and tired of Marv’s Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh looking face ass. Let’s bring in Traeger and shake up the culture. He has experience with The Colts and you can’t deny that he brings unparalleled energy to the table.
That sums up my suggestions. Katie Blackburn, if you read this, you’re welcome.