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Last Night Kyle Korver Gave Us a White Basketball Dad’s Wet Dream

By: Alex Marcheschi

Last night while I was watching His Majesty Kyle Elliot Korver absolutely annihilate the Boston Celtics, I couldn’t help but think about the white dads all over the nation thoroughly enjoying his performance. To put it simply, Kyle Korver is a middle aged white man’s basketball wet dream.

*Korver catches ball in stride running to the top of the arc

“Ohf” – dads

*Korver squares his hips to the rim

*Dad bites lip

*Korver releases ball with a perfect flick of the wrist

*Dad tilts held back

*Korver splashes the three and immediately gets back on defense and dives for loose ball

*Dad erupts like Mount Vesuvius

Even though I’m not a dad, I love watching Korvy. When he’s on, it’s truly something to behold. Last night was his magnum opus, not only does he look like Denzel’s trainee from Training Day, but he’s got balls of steel and he’s willing to put his life on the line for common good just like Ethan Hawke.

While watching Korver put on last night’s display of Caucasian excellence, I couldn’t help but picture our Commander in Chief watching this game, wanting desperately to congratulate Korver on “playing the game the right way,” but holding back because of Korver’s alliance to the almighty LeBron James, who once quote tweeted Trump and called him a “bum.”

This series is really putting American white dads in a pickle, while the Cavs have more white people on the team, the Celtics are the classic white dad team. Who do they root for, Brad Stevens and Larry Bird or Kyle Korver and Kevin Love? Do the Cavs have too many tattoos to root for? Does Aaron Baynes count as a white even though he’s from New Zealand?

Either way, I can’t remember a primetime NBA series more tailored for white dads than this one. As Drake once said, what a time to be alive, you and yours vs me and mine.

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1 Comment »

  1. Esteemed Writer/Editorialist/Provocateur/Troll,

    Kylie-K drives King Janes as krazy as Kimmy-K does Kanye!

    Kylie-K is to the Kavs as Kimmy-K is to Kanye because………….

    Every now and then it’s nice for King James to have Kylie-K around, and I’m certain Kanye enjoys Kimmy-K’s occasional spurts of marital bliss.

    I don’t know why but all this Kimmy-K chat makes me think of Robert Horry!

    Imagine the sea of irony if Kimmy-K’s last name were Horry?

    While Kylie-K had one night of white-wetness in game 4, Robert Horry was a role player who played his entire career in SCUBA gear. The Lakers & Spurs literally had Shop-Vacs under each basket when Horry surfaced on the hardwood.

    Little white, privileged boys and girls could not carry enough towels and squeegees to soak up the
    flood of game-winning treys or the numerous NBA Finals iced by Robert “Bobby Ory” Horry!

    Robert Horry was the inspiration for Post Malone’s joint. “Black BIRD”. Sadly, “Black BIRD” was never released. The Black Birds Matter Movement threatened to boycott Republic Records and its artists if “Black BIRD” ever made the airways.

    Post’s “White Iverson” did not receive the ire of The Black Birds Matter Movement. Apparantly BBMM is down wit AI.

    K2/VitaminK/KSquared/SpecialK/Mt. Korverminjaro/Big-K Kola/Korvy The Potassium is an inconsistent and unreliable kompliment and kontributor to King James and The Kavs.

    While White Dads may have had week legs and took a quick nap after each Kylie-K Krusty Kreme, three; make no mistake, there is no Confusion regarding for whom Caucazoid Patriarchs are rooting.

    it’s the C-E-L-T-I-C-S yo! B-Rad and Danny Angel make White Dads “stand at attention” yo.

    When that ordinary moment becomes the white moment, just reach for that little green pill or replay any Celtics’ home game in the Eastern Conference NBA Playoffs.

    Much Love & Two Fingers Puppy People,

    Big Puppy

    #Caitlyn-JisKimmy-K’sstep mother&fatheryo

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